wow long time from earlier this month... unfinished and never posted

It has been an amazingly long time since the last post .. and so many moments have gone by where I've need to desperately post and spill out all of my thoughts and analytical energy .. however, no laptop nearby .. i hope I am able to do this any justice having been so long out

I guess at the moment I need to vent to about people presenting themselves differently from how they actually feel ... I've experienced quite a bit of this recently, I guess it's easier in my life and family who I've know for years to be able to distinguish the fakeness, the shadyness, and double talking .. two facedness really boils my blood .. i'm usually able to avoid people of this nature, and/or excise them from my life and interactions ... but it's new people that i meet that often don't see it coming .. lately i have been simply reacting (which as well know is a sign of emotional immaturity)  and maybe it has felt good at the time to dispel negative energy against them, but i realize now, in the end that it is eating away at me .. in order to accurately analyze this situation .. I need to blog it out ..

so very commonly known is that people generally make fun of others, call them out, be shady too them, talk shit about them, are mean to people etc, because they themselves are feeling shitty and want to spread the disease ... now back in the day i cant say i didnt have these tendancies, however i realized my unhappiness and pushed through it .. developed some self esteem .. got out of it alive .. started treating everyone better ... and i think in the last year i have regressed, i dont know why ... but i do know that not being surrounded by nice folks who care a great deal about me takes away from my ability to display emotional maturity ...

if people around here generally befriend others, only to spread shit about them that is a pretend friendship, no ?  so why in the world would people want that type of friendships ?  I really cannot fathom it ..

i am not even being eloquent today but i just need