sinatra

I'm not sure what to blog about, so I'm going to start typing and see where this goes. I just opened my pandora window and it put on some sinatra. I love sinatra. it's a classic love. it's an old world love. the time he sings about . . that time period . . it just seems so classy, so jazzy, so elegant and noble . . i'm not sure if i'm projecting . . but that's the feeling i get when he sings . . he seems so chivalrous and devoted . . .

ahh, so chivalry . . something that is a questionable gesture nowadays. women, well sometimes we think that we are too feminist for chivalry, and sometimes all we need to keep us warm is a thoughtful chivalrous act . . . i guess it puts guys in a dilemna . . "should i be chivalrous . . or would that seem chauvenistic and that she is incapable of opening the door herself . .or am i being considerate if i open the car door and offer her my coat . . " what a dichotemy . .two very polar emotions at the end of each arguement . . good luck guys -

me ? well . . at work, im not a fan of chivalry . . on a date . . it's pretty comforting as long as long i'm getting the idea that these gestures are made from a place of consideration not condescension . . .

so there are theories on evolution, that men are hardwired to sow their oats no matter the cost. sure, i can understand the basis of this theory. there is an evolutionary theory on the flip gender saying that women are hardwired to look for mates that will have resources to maintain the survival of her and her offspring. if we give way to these theories we are giving excuses to cheating and polygamy, and gold digging. i understand that evolution as not yet caught up with industry and technology, it may be hundreds of thousands of years before we see any difference. studies show people are happier in stable monogamous relationships. now there are always conflicting theories so i guess . . . this is one of those times where people will always agree to disagree depending on what they believe . .

i believe my brain goes ahead and tells me that i don't need to marry a rich guy to take care of my kids. guess what. i can do it myself! hey what a concept.
i assume if i have this ability that many men have this ability as well. for instance, "hey i sure feel like sowing some oats tonight . . but i have a wife and kids/girlfriend who loves me, i don't want to hurt them/her and possibly destroy what we have built"

novel idea i think.
things aren't always simple though, i get that. sometimes marital indifferences induces cheating, sometimes there are difficulties beyond my single little mind that may facilitate infidelity.
but i guess in this moment, for me, it seems pointless . . . immediate gratification hardly ever lives up to it's hype in my experience whether it's binging on a gallon of ice cream or krunk-calling a really bad idea from the past . . . the consequences always seem to outweigh the 7 seconds in heaven . .

i'm thinking about some decisions i've made in the past. and Im contemplating what factors have contributed to my need to run away from all things real in my life. there have been times where I think, "who am I to have a job, who am I to tell people how to live, who am I to take advice from, who am I to be important, who am I to give someone company for the rest of their life, who am I to commit to forever, who am I to be that important to someone . . .

there are parts of me that want to drown in anonymity . . some of it may be that whole perfectionist thing, not having everything is the same as having nothing . . so if i shoot for nothing, i can't be disappointed . .

but people rely on you, and then you also get tired of being a screw up and try to get your shit together . . . i just hope i do/did it in time. in time to save my life and save the life of those who, unfortunately, are bound to me by some commitment or another . . .

sometimes i think it has to do with self esteem, do i really think that poorly of myself to believe i am so insignificant that i don't deserve a job, responsibility, commitment? and i think about this on and off more often then i'd like . . i am trying to figure it out . . because i can be downright arrogant sometimes, overconfident . . and sometimes so insecure that it surprises me i havent burst into tears already . . . where is the balance here . . extremes . . although passionate and good creative juice, sort of take a toll on my emotions and stress levels . . . so in an effort to reduce extremes . . i try to think about myself and why i think/feel the way i do . . what prompts it . .how can i overcome it and live the way i'd like to live . . .

if i find out - ill blog it out

don't hold your breath though

Stability

more and more, i crave stability . . . i crave it, i tell you, and thinking about it is sometimes the only thing that reduces my stress about the future . . .

somehow things have always worked out okay for me . . no matter the stupid decisions i've made . . ive landed on my feet . . i don't want to call it luck, i don't want to call it divine . . . and i sure as hell don't want it to be a coincidence . . and then i'm left with a question as to how it's happened that i've come this far . . it's not really hard work or smarts that has got me here . . and then when i think about it . . how far have i really come?

so think about where i am, how far i've come, how far i have to go, and that's when my thoughts of stability become shaken . . . that stability is something i can hope for in retirement, if i ever get to retire . .

when my thoughts shake like this, this is when i want to run . . run so far away that nothing will ever catch up with me . . go be a bar back in amsterdam for a few years, go wait tables in spain for a few years, go run a hostel in paris for a few years, float around working on boat. . just anything thats nothing . .because not having everything . . for my desperately perfectionist personality, means just as much as having nothing . .

and then we start again at nothing.

which thing throws me into existential thinking . . . and the ever-eternal question . . . does the fact that life is finite, the fact that life is only now for us, does that make life meaningless or does it make it meaningful . . there is a whole realm of thinking for each argument . . . i think that generally it may be meaningless . . but in order to keep going . . . finding meaning is probably the best antidepressant i know . . .
and when i'm in the throes of existential debate, each side has just as persuasive of an argument.

but i guess, on the bright side (or the dark side - hah - depending on how it's looked at) i have this debate less and less with myself . . . the more stable i become, the less imaginative, the less passionate, the less sensitive, the less creative.

stability is eating my soul.