lately with every passing day I have had moments where I've needed to blog .. with such a gut wrenching stab of disdainful unhappiness .. intermingled with more gut wrenching stabs of adjustment .. this is what it must feel like to 'be broken in'
there was a time in my life where i mused many things, and with every passing day i receive the answers to the long ago rhetorical idiosyncrasies of life ..
sometimes i do believe that everything must change and all change is necessary and afterall only change is constant in the world and blah blah blah
then i begin to change .. for the worse .. and then all of a sudden my breath stops, maybe not literally, but definitely figuratively .. the breath that feeds my soul, the oxygen that keeps my inner being from completely evaporating into a rat race junkie that merely maintains status quo of that ..
sometimes i look at my ironed button downs, my travel mug and my weather ridden face, and think, this is it .. if this is it, can i be happy ..
happiness is also relative, also subjective, and also a state of mind .. but our stomach has a direct link to our psyche and our gauge of happiness ..
lately my stomach has been sort of giving me the finger .. i've been changing for the worse .. and all of those little spiritual instances in the past few weeks have been giving me pretty insightful windows into this ..
succumbing to that which we do not want, in order to maintain peace, harmony and happiness for those around us .. and that i'm sure can be linked to those old ethical vignettes .. is the greater good a valid precedent over one good .. should 30 people be allowed to be happy if one person's happiness is sacrificed .. .should 30 people's lives be worth more than one person's life ?
it is dramatic, and it's true, maybe dramatic people such as myself experience less quantity days in life as happy, however with honest process of emotion and a centered self, i feel like i might experience more quality in my happiness when it does come my way ..
thus is my dilema in other things as well .. loving less means hurting less.. loving more deeply often means when the hurt comes, it falls quite deep to settle in you ..
there are lesser evils than these, and sometimes those deep perils completely erase the euphoric moments in life ..
there are times when i feel like im not really a happy person .. maybe this is why i strive to lighten moods, or to make everything into an inappropriate joke .. maybe this is why i constantly focus on the negative, and how my perfectionist personality sort of propagates this .. don't focus on the 25 good things, but the 12 bad things and try to fix those ...
for someone who really genuinely and consciously tries to live in the grey .. the polarization that perfectionism imposes is really dichotomous to the general schema of actions, thoughts, behaviors, attitudes etc that I emit ..
unfortunately the only method that i feel may work here is a slow, periodic increase in awareness of these dysfunctional propagations and the heart breaking adaptation of who I was into who I will be .. the only person that gets lost in all of this is who I am right now ..