zen

so that last incomplete post was from october 4th, I was in heavy distress and acting belligerently at the time, if i remember correctly ...

today i feel better, maybe not all better, but better ..

i recently attended a grief and spirituality conference that very much moved me, it was for a ceu but i purposefully chose this topic as i have had the least training in this subject and would like to offer more to my clients in this capacity ...

however more than learning how to help others, i learned how to help myself

it is always said and almost always true that life gives you what you need ... not what you want, or what you think you need .. but what you actually need, and sometimes i believe this statement is some justification on the atrocities that happen around us, and because we as conscious beings need to define and justify terror, horror, pain, brutality, tragedy, pretty much every negative act, we develop a way to believe that everything is connected and bad things are meant to happen ... and this is where religion, i believe, comes from, is finding a way to define, explain, justify things we never fully understood ...

understanding is something i always find at the core of life .. the core of a healthy relationship, the core of healthy lifestyle, the core of being, the core of existing in an imperfect world surrounded by impermanence ..

some of these terms might be recognizable by their eastern philosphy, as i have tried to reconnect with spirituality in my life ..

two speakers at the conference moved me and calmed me, and helped me to identify with my negativity along with dispelling it ...

i've learned to turn inward, to allow silence in my life to  have honest conversations with myself about what is really going on .. and i think that the reality of it is that it has been easier in the last 3 years to fill my days, my self, my spirit with getting ahead, with those around me, with shallow satisfactions ... and i was quickly losing that part of myself that could just be ... that could sit and listen to the thoughts in my head and overcome them, listen to the conscious part of me that needed more than a rat race, that could spend days not speaking and simply being and feeling and emanating ..

i have come now to reclaim that part of me, that huge monstrous vital part of me that will feed my soul like no tv show, no vodka bottle, no kiss can compare ... because in the end we are our own beings connected to every other thing in this world, just because we have different names doesnt remove the connection, we are all part of the same tree, take the same breaths, and strive for the same peace, the only difference is whether or not we have the tools to reach this goal ...

now i turn inward, and i accept things without agenda (when/if i can)  and if i can't i work towards getting to a place where i can

i will have to make this an annual trip to feed my soul because i didnt even realize i was starving it until last week ..

and what a good time to replenish, when i am feeling a constant loss of control in my ever changing life, that to accept and experience a total loss of control in order to find peace and understanding ... there is that word again .. understanding ...