well - i've realized there are certain things i am in denial about and certain things i am not willing to not being in denial about . . and it's not about the fact that i can think about things logically and say things logically and truthfully, it's about my schemas . . it's about the general contexts that i've put the world into and that i've put people into . . now people, it's easier for me to see people in different lights, growth is a powerful thing and is a fountainhead in therapy . . but the world . . now that's a little more difficult . .
i will go back to my ever wonderful road rage blog and elaborate on that - that the delusion i really have is that people should get out of my way . . that they do not have the right to go speed limit in the left lane if i am coming thru, that they cannot under any circumstances cut me off, and that i always should have right of way . . . now these thoughts at times can be at varying intensities depending on my mood level and anxiety level . . but i really and truly believe them because why else would i get so uncontrollably angry when i get cut off ? it's the behavior and mood change that indicates to me that i must be believing those things, otherwise why wouldn't i just patiently brake and get home a whole 10 seconds later . . and logically i know that it's a ridiculous thing to say that i am more important than other drivers . . but hey the mind works in mysterious ways . . it must play into some schema of things that i have . . maybe that i'm a better driver, and i've always been ingrained that the better you are at something, the better person you and the more you shall be rewarded in life . . . so i'm a better driver, ipso facto, i deserve other drivers to bow down to my path . . .
as terrible a thing to admit something like this . . i really wonder why my other emotions come bubbling up when something seemingly neutral occurs . . .
vegas was awesome
somethings really havent changed - somethings have changed a good deal
and i do still and i think will always need non dramatic people to go out dancing with - because otherwise i will sour on the 'going out ' scene -