been a long time since the last blog, and now I'm sitting in my hot apartment with a hot laptop on my lap borderline sweating.
I've been thinking about how desperate we are to be a certain thing or present ourselves a certain way that we literally spend every waking moment trying to convince ourselves of this ...
Ive always been a pretty observant person, I like to think I'm attentive and able to acknowledge situations subjective and identify most of the time any biased tendencies which I generally have . . however when i observe atrocious ridiculousness, I wonder how I ended up in the position I'm in . . . I had never anticipated being in certain situations, has profusely promised myself that I would be this and that, and 'those things' wouldn't ever be something I have to deal with . . . things change, we make choices, and we eventually have to overcome the cons of any situation. . . resilience is an amazing thing, forgiveness is an amazing thing . . forgiveness is more for the person who forgives, than for the wrong doer . . . I find myself holding grudges sometimes, or carrying things over that maybe need to be let go . . .the moment i let it go, I feel better . . .but from the looks of it, the wrong doer, in all sincerity doesn't let it go as quickly as the forgiver might . . . which can say alot . . unless that behavior is just never changed you constantly have to be forgiving . . . then again, arent all close relationships like that . . ? aren't i constantly forgiving my parents for not understanding me, or my friends for breaking some imaginary expectation I may have had, aren't i constantly checking myself that if i become put off by an unspoken expectation that's not been met, it's generally something I should let go . . .
will life constantly be a battle of letting things go, forgiving, being forgiven, offering passivity and peace over begrudged barriers ?
will life constantly be me as bystander while ridiculous things happen and people act crazy ... will it be me having to fight for myself because the only people who will stand up for me are a handful of good friends . . .
it makes me wonder how people trudge through, tottering on two broken feet and constantly belittled and made to feel not good enough to stand up for by the people closest too them . . . what a way to walk through life . . . i'd always imagined myself running, and strolling and jumping and literally skipping through life, in the most absurd, disney movie kind of way . . .
and i think life is less like that, and more like tarantino, every man for himself, and you basically have to make your path, but those around you affect your journey more than you'd like to believe . . .
i think it's time i stepped out of the delusion and joined the rest of the realists out there who have always been trying to convince me out of my naivete
that being said, i wonder to what proportion happiness fits in with the path of life . .. if that is something we all naturally strive for, why is it that so many people are unhappy with their careers, with their spouses, with their family, with their appearance ... with their life in general . . . if our natural tendency is towards self fulfillment we wouldnt be miserable for the most part right ? i'm thinking the natural tendency is towards gratification by any means necessary and overall evolutionary selfishness and what behaviors transpire from these tendencies often lead to those around us being hurt, expectations not being met and therefore causing discomfort and unhappiness in our lives -
the songs and poems are right, god is one ironic son of a gun . . .