attempt at consistency

okay so i sit here again at work . . . this time, very seriously pondering the idea of consistency. I want to make this blog attempt work. My xanga was very sporadic. i just realized i use the word 'very' a lot. anyway, after years of sporadicity (if that's a word) my attempt at consistency is more pervasive than this blog attempt. i find my days more routine and i find work extremely routine. even though the cases can be fascinating . . what is expected and demanded of me, well, that's paperwork and ethics. those things are routine and consistent with vulgarity and veracity. and it doesn't bleed as much as i want it too. i want it to bleed to my love life and my home life. some idea that i need and want consistency. it may already having the trickle effects, i guess time will tell :)

lately ive been finding interesting the things that outrage me . . for example, people that drive slower than speed limit in front of me and most importantly in the left most lane . . i swear i could punch an old lady in the face for doing that. or people boot legging food stamps so they can buy drugs, people using the lonestar card for bread but driving around in a 40,000 dollar car. that is super duper very damn outrageous. SERENITY NOW. and thinking of these things periodically, it does boil my blood, but i wonder that it may help define me as a person. sometimes i think that i don't need definition that i am too complex and screwed up to fit into a neat little definition. but sometimes i need to be defined just to compose myself and focus on doing good in my life. so in these moments while i i need to be defined, i have used personality assessments. these things usually look at things you like, and how you react to things and how you think about things. so what now, if we looked at things that outrage you as a personality assessment. i could be assumed a fairly sympathetic person, being a psychotherapist. but looking at the fact that i could punch an old lady for driving slow in the left lane . . . well that is so very much not sympathy, it might be closer to psychoticism.

i used to should on myself that i shouldn't feel that way about drivers. ive realized if i vent about it and accept it about myself, i will be less likely to road rage myself to death.

yes i know, i get a cookie for this elementary insight.

shout out to trushyap.

At work

So I'm at work - waiting for a meeting at 3 . . . a meeting i was initially outraged over . . because well . . . how dare they require me to stay here until 4 for a meeting . . . and as i sit here and wait . . the time i had, this morning, allotted to catching up on paperwork and getting ahead . . well . . here i am . . bloggity blogging . .

i ate 2 - 100 calorie packs of twinkie's today . . yes i know . . but im craving . .CRAVING i tell you sugar . . . what to do . . i plan on having loads of beer today . . or should i just stick to bacardi and diet coke? one is cheap and smooth, the other is more expensive and easier on the 3 month fetus that has attached itself in the form of lipids to my rolling plains of a belly . .

i was supposed to run this morning . . i didn't . . how to force motivation on myself . . or is motivation that which cannot be forced . . i try to force my parents not to force me or my sisters to do brilliant grandiose things . . . it never works . . but motivation? it is something that eludes me eternally . . . i never know what change will induce motivation . . one day . . who knows . .

as for today - i look forward to drinks across the street and conversation with people.

i wonder if anyone will read this.