Ha Zaa

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The Rants and Raves of a slightly neurotic, overly analytical, sometimes contradicting, and self procclaimed artist.

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

June is ending

As June ends and July begins I am standing on the brink of a landmark time in the life of my family of origin. 

Family of origin in laymen terms means the family I grew up in.

Anyhow .. on this landmark .. I look back to so many past historical and significant moments .. how we perceive these moments and how we adapt these memories into our psyche is an important component of the way we shape memories in our lives ..

We cannot go back, only forward .. what a morbid thought .. and as I live each crucial, historical moment in my life ... It is as if I can barely feel it pass me by ... What I can feel .. what i do feel is everyday glory, everyday misery, everyday intensity, everyday awe ... Every wretched emotion of the dailies of daily life .. and it is the moment I stop encountering these sometimes fleeting, sometimes flowing emotions when I have to worry that I might be shutting out the best parts of me ..

I crave more humble experiences in my life and I feel Tue older I get .. the less I resemble a pure and ideal intent and the more I encounter naysayers and sabatours .. the less i feel like myself .. the less i am like myself .. the less i can be hurt by them.  Therein lies my dilemma.  I am weakened by them in an effort not to be weakened by them.  How I wish I could more intricately control the role environment plays in my life.