i'm thinking about some decisions i've made in the past. and Im contemplating what factors have contributed to my need to run away from all things real in my life. there have been times where I think, "who am I to have a job, who am I to tell people how to live, who am I to take advice from, who am I to be important, who am I to give someone company for the rest of their life, who am I to commit to forever, who am I to be that important to someone . . .
there are parts of me that want to drown in anonymity . . some of it may be that whole perfectionist thing, not having everything is the same as having nothing . . so if i shoot for nothing, i can't be disappointed . .
but people rely on you, and then you also get tired of being a screw up and try to get your shit together . . . i just hope i do/did it in time. in time to save my life and save the life of those who, unfortunately, are bound to me by some commitment or another . . .
sometimes i think it has to do with self esteem, do i really think that poorly of myself to believe i am so insignificant that i don't deserve a job, responsibility, commitment? and i think about this on and off more often then i'd like . . i am trying to figure it out . . because i can be downright arrogant sometimes, overconfident . . and sometimes so insecure that it surprises me i havent burst into tears already . . . where is the balance here . . extremes . . although passionate and good creative juice, sort of take a toll on my emotions and stress levels . . . so in an effort to reduce extremes . . i try to think about myself and why i think/feel the way i do . . what prompts it . .how can i overcome it and live the way i'd like to live . . .
if i find out - ill blog it out
don't hold your breath though