more and more, i crave stability . . . i crave it, i tell you, and thinking about it is sometimes the only thing that reduces my stress about the future . . .
somehow things have always worked out okay for me . . no matter the stupid decisions i've made . . ive landed on my feet . . i don't want to call it luck, i don't want to call it divine . . . and i sure as hell don't want it to be a coincidence . . and then i'm left with a question as to how it's happened that i've come this far . . it's not really hard work or smarts that has got me here . . and then when i think about it . . how far have i really come?
so think about where i am, how far i've come, how far i have to go, and that's when my thoughts of stability become shaken . . . that stability is something i can hope for in retirement, if i ever get to retire . .
when my thoughts shake like this, this is when i want to run . . run so far away that nothing will ever catch up with me . . go be a bar back in amsterdam for a few years, go wait tables in spain for a few years, go run a hostel in paris for a few years, float around working on boat. . just anything thats nothing . .because not having everything . . for my desperately perfectionist personality, means just as much as having nothing . .
and then we start again at nothing.
which thing throws me into existential thinking . . . and the ever-eternal question . . . does the fact that life is finite, the fact that life is only now for us, does that make life meaningless or does it make it meaningful . . there is a whole realm of thinking for each argument . . . i think that generally it may be meaningless . . but in order to keep going . . . finding meaning is probably the best antidepressant i know . . .
and when i'm in the throes of existential debate, each side has just as persuasive of an argument.
but i guess, on the bright side (or the dark side - hah - depending on how it's looked at) i have this debate less and less with myself . . . the more stable i become, the less imaginative, the less passionate, the less sensitive, the less creative.
stability is eating my soul.