sitting in a storm, with a buzz wearing off, pondering arrivals and departures . . .

I think the more I try to control something, the further away it gets, and sometimes, by chance, by no doing of my own, my trying to control something turns in my favor, and I take that and run with it and assume all controlling behaviors will end this way.  this is not so.  and after this emotionally lengthy trip to the lowest point in africa I have come across methods of avoiding my lowest points here.

Here I stand at a cusp, between two oceans, the past and the future, with Good Hope, trying to let go of controlling, trying to let go of expectations in life, and trying to live for what I am truly meant for, which I always find the most comfort in, which I always find in travels and amongst closest family and the most distant strangers. which is what my meaning is, which is what the meaning of life is to me.  as this dawns on me amongst friends, i do realize that it often is not similar to those i surround myself with, even those I most closely surround myself with.  I am not sure what that means and it surely needs to be pondered.  I think I will seek out the freedoms, the openness, the adventure, the fresh air and the spontaneity of life as long as i live and as long as i am able to travel.  the moment i get stuck (as i did for the last two years) in a rut in a hell hole, I will become who I was before I embarked on this trip.

and maybe as time seeps its grout into my thoughts and molds the perspective I should have from the one I am meant to have, I will again become this person who I do not identify with and do not mean to become, but circumstances are making me so.

here is to letting me make my own circumstances.  and not the other way around.

i find my version of divinity on travels, and i find nature, and goodness, and true human nature, unrocked by the brutalities of humanity and the expectations and government.  i find truth.  I find myself.  I find hope.

I find a reason to be.  I find who I am.  I find a reason to strive and motivation.  to do anything.  to do everything.

if those close to me cannot understand me and do not, i will be okay.  as long as I have with me in my heart who I am and what I need from life, I will reach the heights I intend to and roll down the zenith with laughter in my soul.

i am not responsible for others, i do not control anyone and I float free from concrete reigns amongst abstract, natural beauty.