Ha Zaa

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The Rants and Raves of a slightly neurotic, overly analytical, sometimes contradicting, and self procclaimed artist.

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Friday, October 2, 2009

not sure what to title this

alright -

there are things that are tense for me right now - i realize i have perfectionism qualities - i realized this last year and did some to help myself, but not a lot . . now i realize i impose these qualities on others in my life more than I'd like to . . we all have high hopes for those in our lives . . . and sometimes i wonder if wanting the best for someone and having those hopes is in their best interest . . . i wonder if my imposed hopes on my loved ones cause them any grief . . . but how can you not have high hopes for those in your life, how can you not encourage and support the betterment of those in your life . . . imposing my goals on people - yes i know that is probably something i need to work on . . but imposing improvement . . to be moving towards something better in any small way ? that's just my idea of the world . . i'm a frickin therapist . . my profession is based on the worldview that people who want to improve themselves can make a positive change . . . and i need these people in my life . . . i am happy in my life the way it is, but i can always improve, i can always eat a little bit healthier, or exercise a little more, or be a little nicer or be a little happier . . . i can't say the grass is always greener for me . . not necessarily . . i think my grass is pretty f-ing green . . . but what kind of therapist would i be and for that matter, what kind of person would i be if i settled for content instead of striving for what i really want in the world . . . and this . . this is what i want for the rest of my life (easy for me to say right now at 27 with no kids and very little baggage) sure things might change over the years . . but i guess we gotta figure out how to grow together . . . fundamentally, growth makes me happy, and i don't think that will ever change . . if it does, that will probably be the day i stop writing, stop processing, stop contemplating, stop striving . . . in all actuality . . stop living . . living to me is certainly not being stagnant, that is similar to my idea of death, maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally . . . i'm not sure what would keep me going at that point . . .

sry for the dramatic words at 11:17 a.m. :)

i am very much hoping for a wonderful weekend with the girls !!

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