delirium

this is exactly what i wanted to avoid. time between my blogs.

after a week of soul searching, i find myself feeling more adult, more crazy, less composed, more direct, more afraid, more unsure about some things, less unsure about other things . .

when the concept of forever sneaks up behind you, even if you had it in the back of your mind anyway, it can be unnerving.

as i paragraph away through my blog with vague tidbits, just so you know, not everyone knows, and so hey, you know me and privacy.

the fact that magic i have felt and magic i have lost may be lost forever is deafening to my musical life. the fact that "the hourglass is glued to the table" . . well that may just frighten me into mediocrity and dullness. or it may frighten me into excitement and incompatibility.

when there are moments when emotions are so overwhelming that i can't think straight that the difficult moments of my life topple over each other and spill out of my ears and nose and mouth. . and my eyes are so flooded with bad decisions, with neurotic over analyzing, with a barrel of issues that make me incapable of acting like a normal person . . . when there are moments like that . . thats when i find out what i'm made of. in the past, normally for me, i run. maybe not physically, but sometimes yes. mainly i mentally detach, and i run away from any closeness. that detachment has been my blanket, my coping mechanism so the flooding stops, so i can preserve myself and all i have worked hard to become.

the more i thought about how i wanted my life to be, the more i felt i wanted to keep improving and even if i cant master everything, i'd like to keep moving forward. i want to be happy with what i have. i am happy with what i have. but my mind is something that i can't ever find it in my heart to leash. it resembles a wild boar, or a floating leaf, or a gladiator, or jack bauer, or p diddy, something that can't be harnessed or held down for long and longs to move forward and seek out its destiny.

my thoughts about destiny may be a future topic, i cant gather them at the moment.

i want my life to be hard, intellectual (hopefully not pretentious . . but sometimes it seems they do overlap), hilarious, and most of all full of feeling. feelings in my stomach, feelings in my chest. stirring all kinds of weirdness. the absence of stirration is a bad sign.

i have great friends and if i couldnt vent and process with them at the end of the day about my insecurities about the ticking clock, the enmeshed family and the exotic characters in my life . . . well . . i think i'd flood myself to delirium.