Ha Zaa

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The Rants and Raves of a slightly neurotic, overly analytical, sometimes contradicting, and self procclaimed artist.

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Sunday, March 21, 2010

the horcrux

watching family guy in my apt - sunday night - oh so bitter sweet . . . the end of a nice weekend, however on the brink of the beginning of a possibly, hopeless mind numbing week . . .

there are some moments of clarity that hit you like lightening (there will be several harry potter references, i just finished the series this weekend and it's fresh fresh fresh on my mind) and i had many such moments this weekend . . however opposing . . the point is . . is it these moments of clarity that amass my decision making in my life . . or is it more of a collective sub-,un-, and regular- conscious that navigates decisions in my life . . mainly, the large ones I'd say it would benefit me to gain insight in how i make big decisions in my life . . . am i basing things on solitary epiphanies, or on a collection of events, thoughts, memories (however warped and biased they may be) to build my case one way or another . . .

my moments of clarity, as they pepper throughout my life and have at times decided upon great things . . and spontaneous things . . and perhaps life changing things . . . clarity hit me to change my graduate plans from med school to pharmacy to psychology . . . clarity hit me to date one person or the other . . clarity hit me to make amends or walk away . . . clarity hit me to progress my career in this way or that way . . .

driving down the easy highway of 77 then 59 . . . I drove for a few hours today listening to a collection of the first CD's I ever burned in my life . . . now I had originally thought I'd lost this collection years ago . . . and seeing as how I started burning CD's before it was illegal to specifically share and download music over the internet . . they are old and classic . . and burned at very intense, significant and specific times in my life . . . listening to them i imagined my life then . . my life now . . my eyes watered at times . . i laughed and sang loudly at times . . . i felt renewed at times . . i felt forlorn at times . . . i had a journey back to houston i could not have anticipated when i originally drove down to corpus . . . and in these emotional collections of the soundtracks of my grief, happiness, whimsy, and heartbreak . . I had several and bold moments of clarity . . .

and following these moments with kendall jackson, i have sat to ponder and gain insight into the whole idea of clarity . . . and how sometimes, when people around use choose to live in ignorance or at the shallow end of their pool of insight . . . how much harder we make our own lives . . . however i have tried to live in this shallow pool and found myself drowning faster than my years of floating in the infinitely deep end . . . how do we find our comfort levels in this pool of insight ? does it come from where we are brought up . . it could . . but there is a matter of motivation and self preservation here that we often leave out when we are looking in to someone's life . . . as i sat . . as i lay drowning in the shallow end growing up . . . the intensity of my emotions kept me afloat . . and also gave me the motivation and ability to move forward and thrust to the end of the pool which was more suited to my idea of living happy and living well . . .

and then there are times when, in a moment of clarity . . i renounce the whole idea of it and embrace the infamous, 'ignorance is bliss' ideology . . . how happy are those that swim in the shallow end and immerse themselves with little risk and irrational happiness . . . the idiocracy is something i know i could lose myself in had it not been my past in the deep end . . i think once you go deep, you can't retreat . . . maybe not for everyone . . but definitely for me . .

over the last 4 days i've let go parts of my past that i didn't even know i was holding on too . . . parts of my past that should have been dropped at the drop of a hat years ago . . a part of my past that was so close and dear that it had become a part of me and therefore i couldn't even see it to let it go . . and then after processing it with a dear friend . . after having some musical catharsis . . after having several moments of clarity on the way to corpus, in corpus . . and on the way back from corpus . . . i find myself still letting go right now . . and this chain that i hold in my hands . . it is finally pulling forth from the lake a tiny boat that will take me to a desolate island . . and after finding a locket on this island that i will destroy . . . only then i shall be free from this part of me that was left in me by someone . . and that i did not know existed . . a part that i felt inside of me . .but could not name . . this part that is me that will be cursed out of me . . .and this part of me that i feel evaporating fleetingly every moment i think about it . . .

i have just had a moment of clarity . . . that clarity is over-rated sometimes . . .

however i can say that these moments . . moments of clarity if i may so annoyingly repeat it . . as useless or as useful as they may be . . . can find new ways of healing me everyday


Moments of Clarity


[physican signature here]

1 comment:

  1. solo roadtrips are awesome for those thinking moments