been a long time since the last blog, and now I'm sitting in my hot apartment with a hot laptop on my lap borderline sweating.

I've been thinking about how desperate we are to be a certain thing or present ourselves a certain way that we literally spend every waking moment trying to convince ourselves of this ...

Ive always been a pretty observant person, I like to think I'm attentive and able to acknowledge situations subjective and identify most of the time any biased tendencies which I generally have . .  however when i observe atrocious ridiculousness, I wonder how I ended up in the position I'm in . . . I had never anticipated being in certain situations, has profusely promised myself that I would be this and that, and 'those things' wouldn't ever be something I have to deal with . . . things change, we make choices, and we eventually have to overcome the cons of any situation. . .   resilience is an amazing thing, forgiveness is an amazing thing . . forgiveness is more for the person who forgives, than for the wrong doer . . . I find myself holding grudges sometimes, or carrying things over that maybe need to be let go . . .the moment i let it go, I feel better . . .but from the looks of it, the wrong doer, in all sincerity doesn't let it go as quickly as the forgiver might . . . which can say alot . . unless that behavior is just never changed you constantly have to be forgiving . . . then again, arent all close relationships like that . . ? aren't i constantly forgiving my parents for not understanding me, or my friends for breaking some imaginary expectation I may have had, aren't i constantly checking myself that if i become put off by an unspoken  expectation that's not been met, it's generally something I should let go . . .

will life constantly be a battle of letting things go, forgiving, being forgiven, offering passivity and peace over begrudged barriers ?

will life constantly be me as bystander while ridiculous things happen and people act crazy ... will it be me having to fight for myself because the only people who will stand up for me are a handful of good friends . . .

it makes me wonder how people trudge through, tottering on two broken feet and constantly belittled and made to feel not good enough to stand up for by the people closest too them . . . what a way to walk through life . . . i'd always imagined myself running, and strolling and jumping and literally skipping through life, in the most absurd, disney movie kind of way . . .

and i think life is less like that, and more like tarantino, every man for himself, and you basically have to make your path, but those around you affect your journey more than you'd like to believe . . .

i think it's time i stepped out of the delusion and joined the rest of the realists out there who have always been trying to convince me out of my naivete

that being said, i wonder to what proportion happiness fits in with the path of life . .. if that is something we all naturally strive for, why is it that so many people are unhappy with their careers, with their spouses, with their family, with their appearance ... with their life in general . . . if our natural tendency is towards self fulfillment we wouldnt be miserable for the most part right ?  i'm thinking the natural tendency is towards gratification by any means necessary and overall evolutionary selfishness and what behaviors transpire from these tendencies often lead to those around us being hurt, expectations not being met and therefore causing discomfort and unhappiness in our lives -

the songs and poems are right, god is one ironic son of a gun . . .

athlete

the news of my life (okay yes I'm being dramatic)  I finally met athlete, and I would go as far to say that we hung out for like 2 minutes after the show - and I am pretty obsessed with this band, and have LOVED them for 5 years, some of their appeal is that they are lesser known, and most of their appeal is their unbelievable music

I took pictures with all the members and got them to sign my t shirt - I was on cloud nine on saturday night ! 

parul's barbeque was, as always, fun fun fun, and it was wonderful seeing everyone, I wish I had more time there, but my bucket list was calling my name and athlete has been on their for 5 years . .  in the last 5 years, I don't think they've toured in texas (within driving distance of me) and they don't often come to america, so i had to jump at the opportunity (especially in case they become famous and mainstream and then they won't be as cool as they are now) 

it's a wonder how seeing someone on stage can form these assumptions in your head about someone, not unlike a relationship, when just because you are with someone, you sort of begin making these assumptions about their behavior, about their past, about their future, and with little to no confirmation, that is usually a recipe for a disaster, and the very least, a pretty solid argument

many things don't work out the way we'd like in life, and I always try to tell myself, that when things don't work out the way I wanted, it's okay because they usually work out for the best anyway, (anyone that's heard 'unanswered prayers' knows what I'm talking about)

many days things don't work out, and then the sparkling gems in between are days when everything works out and you feel positive about things

it never ceases to amaze me the intertwined days of gloom, misery, glee and glory, and only after flipping through my blogs, and journals, and diaries do I realize the bipolar tendencies of the artist's soul . .  and these highs and lows generate the most beautiful things I've ever laid eyes and ears on, the portraits of kahlo, the murals of rivera, the sonatas of beethoven, the jams of athlete. . .  natural extremes, storms, earthquakes, erosion, floods, hurricanes, make natural masterpeices, mountains, and lakes, and waterfalls and cliffs, and shores, and I really believe artists can see a masterpeice in tragedy and that's why . . that's why they can make so much beauty out of their pain, that's why they can use depression and anger to create purity in art, shakespeare was very much one to point out the tragedies in life as authentic, necessary and artistic, and I do concur . . . and as common a thought it may be to the masses, it is helpful for me to think about it often that the sad moments, the tragic moments define the moments of ecstasy in life, because if all was ecstasy, ecstasy would be normalcy and we, as the capitalistic, gluttons that we are would soon bore of the ecstasy if it was that normal

cheers to the highs that define us, the lows that define that highs, and the highs and lows that define all beauty around us

aasha rani

Just joined the Shobhaa De blog after reading her book 'bollywood nights' and googling the crap out of her.  I'd first seen her on this indian show, 'koffee with karan' a talk show hosted by a wildly popular, probably gay, bollywood producer, and enjoying her theekhi theekhi baatein and sharp, assertive responses to his insinuating questions.  I can't say I liked her, but I can say she intrigued me. 

She is 62 years old and married with 6 children.  This fascinates me even more.  And a big fat cherry on top, she is the founder and has edited Startdust magazine which was pretty pervasive throughout my childhood as my aunt had the only english subscription to it in corpus that I could find. 

Shobhaa De's blog proves to be more worthwhile than her book was, but it was wildly distracting (the book) and sultry, which I always enjoy.  Anyone looking for a quick read and a graphic peak into the bollywood world, please read 'bollywood nights' I have it, you can borrow it.

Anyway the analysis she thrusts from her blogs has inspired me to be more active (at least today) in expressing renewed motivation to continue the blog d'tanvi (vague reference to cote d'ivoire)

Also she has inspired me to sprinkle the 'hinglish' which she herself has been given credit for as a part of Stardust and Neeta's column, throughout my blogs.

So here's to renewed inspiration and renewed inspiration in these rainy houston nights

sitting in a storm, with a buzz wearing off, pondering arrivals and departures . . .

I think the more I try to control something, the further away it gets, and sometimes, by chance, by no doing of my own, my trying to control something turns in my favor, and I take that and run with it and assume all controlling behaviors will end this way.  this is not so.  and after this emotionally lengthy trip to the lowest point in africa I have come across methods of avoiding my lowest points here.

Here I stand at a cusp, between two oceans, the past and the future, with Good Hope, trying to let go of controlling, trying to let go of expectations in life, and trying to live for what I am truly meant for, which I always find the most comfort in, which I always find in travels and amongst closest family and the most distant strangers. which is what my meaning is, which is what the meaning of life is to me.  as this dawns on me amongst friends, i do realize that it often is not similar to those i surround myself with, even those I most closely surround myself with.  I am not sure what that means and it surely needs to be pondered.  I think I will seek out the freedoms, the openness, the adventure, the fresh air and the spontaneity of life as long as i live and as long as i am able to travel.  the moment i get stuck (as i did for the last two years) in a rut in a hell hole, I will become who I was before I embarked on this trip.

and maybe as time seeps its grout into my thoughts and molds the perspective I should have from the one I am meant to have, I will again become this person who I do not identify with and do not mean to become, but circumstances are making me so.

here is to letting me make my own circumstances.  and not the other way around.

i find my version of divinity on travels, and i find nature, and goodness, and true human nature, unrocked by the brutalities of humanity and the expectations and government.  i find truth.  I find myself.  I find hope.

I find a reason to be.  I find who I am.  I find a reason to strive and motivation.  to do anything.  to do everything.

if those close to me cannot understand me and do not, i will be okay.  as long as I have with me in my heart who I am and what I need from life, I will reach the heights I intend to and roll down the zenith with laughter in my soul.

i am not responsible for others, i do not control anyone and I float free from concrete reigns amongst abstract, natural beauty.

airplanes

so. 

new jam, airplanes - I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now . . 

here I sit, amidst the organization of a new program at my agency.  sometimes disorganization makes me so frazzled that I need to take a moment and think about nonsense. 

Yes I realize i just called my own  blog nonsense.  because to someone in the world, anything can be nonsense right ?  to a right wing, talk of abortion is nonsense, to a left wing, limited taxation is nonsense, to the chinese not eating fish and rice everyday is nonsense and to your country hick, not eating beef everyday is nonsense, and to ignorant people science is nonsense and to scientist  . . well you get the picture.  i do love those generalizations to make a point . . .

as I ponder my impending journey, I feel excitement, I feel calm, I feel anticipation, I feel happy, and I feel proud that I can and am doing this ! 

embarking on said journey can be a parallel to so many new journeys in my life, a new relationship, a new job, a new perspective, a new family.  but I guess somehow going on vacation is the easiest journey of them all. 

airplanes, speed through the air with little consideration around them, and passengers, content in their cocoon, and ignorance regarding what even drives the plane to fly (that still boggles my mind how we all just board them and jet around however we have no idea what makes it go and what keeps it up, the same with cars ! )  we are always so blissful in our ignorance, and willing to pass the buck because we paid a few hundred or thousand dollars to board a peice of steel that hurtles through the air at ungodly speeds -

we are so happy with instant gratification, with little to no impulse control that we completely ignore the obvious component in prevention:   awareness . . .

I saw a french movie yesterday, right up my alley, called, "I love you so long"  kristin scott thomas was amazing, I could ef her performance . . . and I really really fell in love with the french language . . . one day I might rosetta stone it . . (spoiler alert) but she had this identity, this life, and one day, it was shattered, and she kept the peices of the shatter to herself and gave herself consequences, and suffered in silence by choice . ..  she became aware of something  . .  aware of something so tragic, and she used that awareness to make a choice and prevent something else.  awareness has a direct link to prevention, and I really believe that as a culture, as a country, as an industry, we move forward at lightening speeds with little awareness and false progress . . .

I am partial and biased, as awareness is a big part of the the therapuetic process, but what kind of process in life doesn't require awareness ?  what relationship doesn't thrive with awareness ?  why do natural disasters wreak so much havoc ?  one thought might be that without awareness of their arrival, preperations are not made, and damage cannot be prevented . . . there are those two words again . . awareness and prevention . . . .

I realize everyone's probably connected the two and this isn't novel, however, I really don't think we talk about awareness enough, and I thrive on awareness . . . when people shut down awareness, it really shuts me down . . .

ignorance is a bliss I cannot afford if I am to live my life to my own accord -

"Every human has four endowments- self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.”  Stephen R. Covey

freedom is priceless and choosing to give it up might be the ultimate demise of a nation founded on that which it is diminishing with every continued breath

traveling to other countries to witness their worldly struggles gives us benefit and gratitude beyond belief for what we have, but also gives me visions of the dark grace which we are throwing away through our arrogance and exploitation of resources and the teetering morality we are emersed in to simply 'get our way.' 

to a gluttoness nation whose freedom is it's heart and whose diet is so unhealthy that a massive coronary is foreseeable . . . . wish right now . .  wish right now . .wish right now . . .

I'm sure people have, long before me, compared the life and death of a relationship to life and death of a soul.  After all, what is a relationship if not a soul-ful connection between two otherwise unattached people ?

The beginnings can be paralleled in their new sensitivity, how everything is striking, the fresh, cold air from months swimming a warm womb, and stomachs turning at ever caress and touch and look from solitary yearning.

Then we have our middle aged developmental process, where things become stable in life, you have a steady job, a routine, possibly a family, coming from erratic and tumultuous beginnings of adulthood in which movement is often constant and career paths aren't always clear; to relationships where you finally reach a sordid homeostasis in becoming comfortable with annoying habits, feeling safe in the person's commitment and having a shield of trust around all bad things.

Then we have our death.  Slow decomposition of organs, of everything on your body, in your body, and related to your body.  Memory loss, dementia, strokes, just overall sickness that may or may not be treated, however most of the damage at some point will have already been done and death will creep over you and take you towards the cosmos.  In relationships where trust disappears, resentments take over and every little disagreement or hurt feeling becomes toxic, which also, untreated, eventually gets to a place where there is no returning and death ultimately stomps on your lack of awareness and inability to reconnect, to claim what once was thriving and fresh.

I am transitioning slowly from step 1 to step 2.  slowly.  hopefully i will physically die in step 2 so as step 3 will never have to be overcome for my relationship.

cheers.

life and death

with some oddly guilty feelings, with some unknown memories slushing around my head . . . i arrived to find the nesting fat pigeon in my balcony to have disappeared and one foot away, a sickly baby pigeon attempting to move . . . i worried, i thought if i go outside and try to help, which i wouldn't know how, the mother pigeon would come and try to kill me . . . ive seen how protective she was when she was sitting on the egg waiting keenly for it to hatch . . then I went out of town for 4 days to a wedding . . this morning i found the baby in the same place, and not moving through the blinds.

my guilt and conscience are ravaged - my justification falls short moment by moment. this almost perfect being, conceived with hope and nurtured with a strong instinct . . . somehow fell short of the evolutionary expectation towards survival, and with no help from the likes of me . . . this nurtured and hopeful entity has lost its energy, and will soon dissolve into the next energy source.

this made me think of a relationship and how the shadow of death falls on relationships so often . . . lingering touches, heightened arguments, emotional defenses, lies and secrets, all perpetuate this shroud . . . all so easily and daily accessible . . and so difficult to avoid when living 50 years in an intensely layered liaison . . .

the nurtured egg, hatched to nothing, the mother, fled before the baby took its last breath . . . and this last breath, no one was around to witness . . . yet how does the remnant of its breath affect me so . . . who is the mother when relationships die . . . is it both parties, is it love . . . is it motivation or the willingness to 'stick it out' or 'work on it' . . . is it tolerance . . . what is it that is needed . . . maybe one element is not in control as is in the instinctual world of our last remaining dinosaurs . . . or are monogamous relationships tomorrows dinosaurs . . ?

sometimes giving relationships the care and nurture, the partially digested and then regurgitated worms, is not enough, and the mother has to flee to move on, continue life and follow her evolutionary path . . . darwin would not place blame on her, but the question remains, who should we place blame on . . . should we place blame on mistakes each party makes, on lack of motivation, on a world with too many options and few consequences, on the natural flow of energy in a couple turned family, on whole romantic and sometimes inexplicable idea of love . . .

only if darwin were here to help me . . .

not one of my most eloquent posts, albeit, necessary for my soul to heal . . .to the memory of this baby, to the memory of all relationships whose remnants are peppered throughout our actions, behaviors, thoughts, ideas, souls, and who often dictate our way of life from an invisible and omniscient place . . . to those elements in ourselves that act as a maternal force healing our wounds and allowing the bright feathers of a relationship to spread to flight . . to soar is to live . . to live is to soar . . and through this flight will we reach our ultimate relationship with our fathers, our mothers, our sisters, brothers, friends and lovers . . .

i will bury this babe and bury with it my past indiscretions, my future slights and my current doubts . . . a catharsis that will perhaps give me flight, give me hope and give me the splendor i so pursue