athlete

the news of my life (okay yes I'm being dramatic)  I finally met athlete, and I would go as far to say that we hung out for like 2 minutes after the show - and I am pretty obsessed with this band, and have LOVED them for 5 years, some of their appeal is that they are lesser known, and most of their appeal is their unbelievable music

I took pictures with all the members and got them to sign my t shirt - I was on cloud nine on saturday night ! 

parul's barbeque was, as always, fun fun fun, and it was wonderful seeing everyone, I wish I had more time there, but my bucket list was calling my name and athlete has been on their for 5 years . .  in the last 5 years, I don't think they've toured in texas (within driving distance of me) and they don't often come to america, so i had to jump at the opportunity (especially in case they become famous and mainstream and then they won't be as cool as they are now) 

it's a wonder how seeing someone on stage can form these assumptions in your head about someone, not unlike a relationship, when just because you are with someone, you sort of begin making these assumptions about their behavior, about their past, about their future, and with little to no confirmation, that is usually a recipe for a disaster, and the very least, a pretty solid argument

many things don't work out the way we'd like in life, and I always try to tell myself, that when things don't work out the way I wanted, it's okay because they usually work out for the best anyway, (anyone that's heard 'unanswered prayers' knows what I'm talking about)

many days things don't work out, and then the sparkling gems in between are days when everything works out and you feel positive about things

it never ceases to amaze me the intertwined days of gloom, misery, glee and glory, and only after flipping through my blogs, and journals, and diaries do I realize the bipolar tendencies of the artist's soul . .  and these highs and lows generate the most beautiful things I've ever laid eyes and ears on, the portraits of kahlo, the murals of rivera, the sonatas of beethoven, the jams of athlete. . .  natural extremes, storms, earthquakes, erosion, floods, hurricanes, make natural masterpeices, mountains, and lakes, and waterfalls and cliffs, and shores, and I really believe artists can see a masterpeice in tragedy and that's why . . that's why they can make so much beauty out of their pain, that's why they can use depression and anger to create purity in art, shakespeare was very much one to point out the tragedies in life as authentic, necessary and artistic, and I do concur . . . and as common a thought it may be to the masses, it is helpful for me to think about it often that the sad moments, the tragic moments define the moments of ecstasy in life, because if all was ecstasy, ecstasy would be normalcy and we, as the capitalistic, gluttons that we are would soon bore of the ecstasy if it was that normal

cheers to the highs that define us, the lows that define that highs, and the highs and lows that define all beauty around us

aasha rani

Just joined the Shobhaa De blog after reading her book 'bollywood nights' and googling the crap out of her.  I'd first seen her on this indian show, 'koffee with karan' a talk show hosted by a wildly popular, probably gay, bollywood producer, and enjoying her theekhi theekhi baatein and sharp, assertive responses to his insinuating questions.  I can't say I liked her, but I can say she intrigued me. 

She is 62 years old and married with 6 children.  This fascinates me even more.  And a big fat cherry on top, she is the founder and has edited Startdust magazine which was pretty pervasive throughout my childhood as my aunt had the only english subscription to it in corpus that I could find. 

Shobhaa De's blog proves to be more worthwhile than her book was, but it was wildly distracting (the book) and sultry, which I always enjoy.  Anyone looking for a quick read and a graphic peak into the bollywood world, please read 'bollywood nights' I have it, you can borrow it.

Anyway the analysis she thrusts from her blogs has inspired me to be more active (at least today) in expressing renewed motivation to continue the blog d'tanvi (vague reference to cote d'ivoire)

Also she has inspired me to sprinkle the 'hinglish' which she herself has been given credit for as a part of Stardust and Neeta's column, throughout my blogs.

So here's to renewed inspiration and renewed inspiration in these rainy houston nights

sitting in a storm, with a buzz wearing off, pondering arrivals and departures . . .

I think the more I try to control something, the further away it gets, and sometimes, by chance, by no doing of my own, my trying to control something turns in my favor, and I take that and run with it and assume all controlling behaviors will end this way.  this is not so.  and after this emotionally lengthy trip to the lowest point in africa I have come across methods of avoiding my lowest points here.

Here I stand at a cusp, between two oceans, the past and the future, with Good Hope, trying to let go of controlling, trying to let go of expectations in life, and trying to live for what I am truly meant for, which I always find the most comfort in, which I always find in travels and amongst closest family and the most distant strangers. which is what my meaning is, which is what the meaning of life is to me.  as this dawns on me amongst friends, i do realize that it often is not similar to those i surround myself with, even those I most closely surround myself with.  I am not sure what that means and it surely needs to be pondered.  I think I will seek out the freedoms, the openness, the adventure, the fresh air and the spontaneity of life as long as i live and as long as i am able to travel.  the moment i get stuck (as i did for the last two years) in a rut in a hell hole, I will become who I was before I embarked on this trip.

and maybe as time seeps its grout into my thoughts and molds the perspective I should have from the one I am meant to have, I will again become this person who I do not identify with and do not mean to become, but circumstances are making me so.

here is to letting me make my own circumstances.  and not the other way around.

i find my version of divinity on travels, and i find nature, and goodness, and true human nature, unrocked by the brutalities of humanity and the expectations and government.  i find truth.  I find myself.  I find hope.

I find a reason to be.  I find who I am.  I find a reason to strive and motivation.  to do anything.  to do everything.

if those close to me cannot understand me and do not, i will be okay.  as long as I have with me in my heart who I am and what I need from life, I will reach the heights I intend to and roll down the zenith with laughter in my soul.

i am not responsible for others, i do not control anyone and I float free from concrete reigns amongst abstract, natural beauty.

airplanes

so. 

new jam, airplanes - I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now . . 

here I sit, amidst the organization of a new program at my agency.  sometimes disorganization makes me so frazzled that I need to take a moment and think about nonsense. 

Yes I realize i just called my own  blog nonsense.  because to someone in the world, anything can be nonsense right ?  to a right wing, talk of abortion is nonsense, to a left wing, limited taxation is nonsense, to the chinese not eating fish and rice everyday is nonsense and to your country hick, not eating beef everyday is nonsense, and to ignorant people science is nonsense and to scientist  . . well you get the picture.  i do love those generalizations to make a point . . .

as I ponder my impending journey, I feel excitement, I feel calm, I feel anticipation, I feel happy, and I feel proud that I can and am doing this ! 

embarking on said journey can be a parallel to so many new journeys in my life, a new relationship, a new job, a new perspective, a new family.  but I guess somehow going on vacation is the easiest journey of them all. 

airplanes, speed through the air with little consideration around them, and passengers, content in their cocoon, and ignorance regarding what even drives the plane to fly (that still boggles my mind how we all just board them and jet around however we have no idea what makes it go and what keeps it up, the same with cars ! )  we are always so blissful in our ignorance, and willing to pass the buck because we paid a few hundred or thousand dollars to board a peice of steel that hurtles through the air at ungodly speeds -

we are so happy with instant gratification, with little to no impulse control that we completely ignore the obvious component in prevention:   awareness . . .

I saw a french movie yesterday, right up my alley, called, "I love you so long"  kristin scott thomas was amazing, I could ef her performance . . . and I really really fell in love with the french language . . . one day I might rosetta stone it . . (spoiler alert) but she had this identity, this life, and one day, it was shattered, and she kept the peices of the shatter to herself and gave herself consequences, and suffered in silence by choice . ..  she became aware of something  . .  aware of something so tragic, and she used that awareness to make a choice and prevent something else.  awareness has a direct link to prevention, and I really believe that as a culture, as a country, as an industry, we move forward at lightening speeds with little awareness and false progress . . .

I am partial and biased, as awareness is a big part of the the therapuetic process, but what kind of process in life doesn't require awareness ?  what relationship doesn't thrive with awareness ?  why do natural disasters wreak so much havoc ?  one thought might be that without awareness of their arrival, preperations are not made, and damage cannot be prevented . . . there are those two words again . . awareness and prevention . . . .

I realize everyone's probably connected the two and this isn't novel, however, I really don't think we talk about awareness enough, and I thrive on awareness . . . when people shut down awareness, it really shuts me down . . .

ignorance is a bliss I cannot afford if I am to live my life to my own accord -

"Every human has four endowments- self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.”  Stephen R. Covey

freedom is priceless and choosing to give it up might be the ultimate demise of a nation founded on that which it is diminishing with every continued breath

traveling to other countries to witness their worldly struggles gives us benefit and gratitude beyond belief for what we have, but also gives me visions of the dark grace which we are throwing away through our arrogance and exploitation of resources and the teetering morality we are emersed in to simply 'get our way.' 

to a gluttoness nation whose freedom is it's heart and whose diet is so unhealthy that a massive coronary is foreseeable . . . . wish right now . .  wish right now . .wish right now . . .

I'm sure people have, long before me, compared the life and death of a relationship to life and death of a soul.  After all, what is a relationship if not a soul-ful connection between two otherwise unattached people ?

The beginnings can be paralleled in their new sensitivity, how everything is striking, the fresh, cold air from months swimming a warm womb, and stomachs turning at ever caress and touch and look from solitary yearning.

Then we have our middle aged developmental process, where things become stable in life, you have a steady job, a routine, possibly a family, coming from erratic and tumultuous beginnings of adulthood in which movement is often constant and career paths aren't always clear; to relationships where you finally reach a sordid homeostasis in becoming comfortable with annoying habits, feeling safe in the person's commitment and having a shield of trust around all bad things.

Then we have our death.  Slow decomposition of organs, of everything on your body, in your body, and related to your body.  Memory loss, dementia, strokes, just overall sickness that may or may not be treated, however most of the damage at some point will have already been done and death will creep over you and take you towards the cosmos.  In relationships where trust disappears, resentments take over and every little disagreement or hurt feeling becomes toxic, which also, untreated, eventually gets to a place where there is no returning and death ultimately stomps on your lack of awareness and inability to reconnect, to claim what once was thriving and fresh.

I am transitioning slowly from step 1 to step 2.  slowly.  hopefully i will physically die in step 2 so as step 3 will never have to be overcome for my relationship.

cheers.

life and death

with some oddly guilty feelings, with some unknown memories slushing around my head . . . i arrived to find the nesting fat pigeon in my balcony to have disappeared and one foot away, a sickly baby pigeon attempting to move . . . i worried, i thought if i go outside and try to help, which i wouldn't know how, the mother pigeon would come and try to kill me . . . ive seen how protective she was when she was sitting on the egg waiting keenly for it to hatch . . then I went out of town for 4 days to a wedding . . this morning i found the baby in the same place, and not moving through the blinds.

my guilt and conscience are ravaged - my justification falls short moment by moment. this almost perfect being, conceived with hope and nurtured with a strong instinct . . . somehow fell short of the evolutionary expectation towards survival, and with no help from the likes of me . . . this nurtured and hopeful entity has lost its energy, and will soon dissolve into the next energy source.

this made me think of a relationship and how the shadow of death falls on relationships so often . . . lingering touches, heightened arguments, emotional defenses, lies and secrets, all perpetuate this shroud . . . all so easily and daily accessible . . and so difficult to avoid when living 50 years in an intensely layered liaison . . .

the nurtured egg, hatched to nothing, the mother, fled before the baby took its last breath . . . and this last breath, no one was around to witness . . . yet how does the remnant of its breath affect me so . . . who is the mother when relationships die . . . is it both parties, is it love . . . is it motivation or the willingness to 'stick it out' or 'work on it' . . . is it tolerance . . . what is it that is needed . . . maybe one element is not in control as is in the instinctual world of our last remaining dinosaurs . . . or are monogamous relationships tomorrows dinosaurs . . ?

sometimes giving relationships the care and nurture, the partially digested and then regurgitated worms, is not enough, and the mother has to flee to move on, continue life and follow her evolutionary path . . . darwin would not place blame on her, but the question remains, who should we place blame on . . . should we place blame on mistakes each party makes, on lack of motivation, on a world with too many options and few consequences, on the natural flow of energy in a couple turned family, on whole romantic and sometimes inexplicable idea of love . . .

only if darwin were here to help me . . .

not one of my most eloquent posts, albeit, necessary for my soul to heal . . .to the memory of this baby, to the memory of all relationships whose remnants are peppered throughout our actions, behaviors, thoughts, ideas, souls, and who often dictate our way of life from an invisible and omniscient place . . . to those elements in ourselves that act as a maternal force healing our wounds and allowing the bright feathers of a relationship to spread to flight . . to soar is to live . . to live is to soar . . and through this flight will we reach our ultimate relationship with our fathers, our mothers, our sisters, brothers, friends and lovers . . .

i will bury this babe and bury with it my past indiscretions, my future slights and my current doubts . . . a catharsis that will perhaps give me flight, give me hope and give me the splendor i so pursue

the horcrux

watching family guy in my apt - sunday night - oh so bitter sweet . . . the end of a nice weekend, however on the brink of the beginning of a possibly, hopeless mind numbing week . . .

there are some moments of clarity that hit you like lightening (there will be several harry potter references, i just finished the series this weekend and it's fresh fresh fresh on my mind) and i had many such moments this weekend . . however opposing . . the point is . . is it these moments of clarity that amass my decision making in my life . . or is it more of a collective sub-,un-, and regular- conscious that navigates decisions in my life . . mainly, the large ones I'd say it would benefit me to gain insight in how i make big decisions in my life . . . am i basing things on solitary epiphanies, or on a collection of events, thoughts, memories (however warped and biased they may be) to build my case one way or another . . .

my moments of clarity, as they pepper throughout my life and have at times decided upon great things . . and spontaneous things . . and perhaps life changing things . . . clarity hit me to change my graduate plans from med school to pharmacy to psychology . . . clarity hit me to date one person or the other . . clarity hit me to make amends or walk away . . . clarity hit me to progress my career in this way or that way . . .

driving down the easy highway of 77 then 59 . . . I drove for a few hours today listening to a collection of the first CD's I ever burned in my life . . . now I had originally thought I'd lost this collection years ago . . . and seeing as how I started burning CD's before it was illegal to specifically share and download music over the internet . . they are old and classic . . and burned at very intense, significant and specific times in my life . . . listening to them i imagined my life then . . my life now . . my eyes watered at times . . i laughed and sang loudly at times . . . i felt renewed at times . . i felt forlorn at times . . . i had a journey back to houston i could not have anticipated when i originally drove down to corpus . . . and in these emotional collections of the soundtracks of my grief, happiness, whimsy, and heartbreak . . I had several and bold moments of clarity . . .

and following these moments with kendall jackson, i have sat to ponder and gain insight into the whole idea of clarity . . . and how sometimes, when people around use choose to live in ignorance or at the shallow end of their pool of insight . . . how much harder we make our own lives . . . however i have tried to live in this shallow pool and found myself drowning faster than my years of floating in the infinitely deep end . . . how do we find our comfort levels in this pool of insight ? does it come from where we are brought up . . it could . . but there is a matter of motivation and self preservation here that we often leave out when we are looking in to someone's life . . . as i sat . . as i lay drowning in the shallow end growing up . . . the intensity of my emotions kept me afloat . . and also gave me the motivation and ability to move forward and thrust to the end of the pool which was more suited to my idea of living happy and living well . . .

and then there are times when, in a moment of clarity . . i renounce the whole idea of it and embrace the infamous, 'ignorance is bliss' ideology . . . how happy are those that swim in the shallow end and immerse themselves with little risk and irrational happiness . . . the idiocracy is something i know i could lose myself in had it not been my past in the deep end . . i think once you go deep, you can't retreat . . . maybe not for everyone . . but definitely for me . .

over the last 4 days i've let go parts of my past that i didn't even know i was holding on too . . . parts of my past that should have been dropped at the drop of a hat years ago . . a part of my past that was so close and dear that it had become a part of me and therefore i couldn't even see it to let it go . . and then after processing it with a dear friend . . after having some musical catharsis . . after having several moments of clarity on the way to corpus, in corpus . . and on the way back from corpus . . . i find myself still letting go right now . . and this chain that i hold in my hands . . it is finally pulling forth from the lake a tiny boat that will take me to a desolate island . . and after finding a locket on this island that i will destroy . . . only then i shall be free from this part of me that was left in me by someone . . and that i did not know existed . . a part that i felt inside of me . .but could not name . . this part that is me that will be cursed out of me . . .and this part of me that i feel evaporating fleetingly every moment i think about it . . .

i have just had a moment of clarity . . . that clarity is over-rated sometimes . . .

however i can say that these moments . . moments of clarity if i may so annoyingly repeat it . . as useless or as useful as they may be . . . can find new ways of healing me everyday

Rx:

Moments of Clarity

PRN

[physican signature here]