I'm sure people have, long before me, compared the life and death of a relationship to life and death of a soul.  After all, what is a relationship if not a soul-ful connection between two otherwise unattached people ?

The beginnings can be paralleled in their new sensitivity, how everything is striking, the fresh, cold air from months swimming a warm womb, and stomachs turning at ever caress and touch and look from solitary yearning.

Then we have our middle aged developmental process, where things become stable in life, you have a steady job, a routine, possibly a family, coming from erratic and tumultuous beginnings of adulthood in which movement is often constant and career paths aren't always clear; to relationships where you finally reach a sordid homeostasis in becoming comfortable with annoying habits, feeling safe in the person's commitment and having a shield of trust around all bad things.

Then we have our death.  Slow decomposition of organs, of everything on your body, in your body, and related to your body.  Memory loss, dementia, strokes, just overall sickness that may or may not be treated, however most of the damage at some point will have already been done and death will creep over you and take you towards the cosmos.  In relationships where trust disappears, resentments take over and every little disagreement or hurt feeling becomes toxic, which also, untreated, eventually gets to a place where there is no returning and death ultimately stomps on your lack of awareness and inability to reconnect, to claim what once was thriving and fresh.

I am transitioning slowly from step 1 to step 2.  slowly.  hopefully i will physically die in step 2 so as step 3 will never have to be overcome for my relationship.

cheers.

life and death

with some oddly guilty feelings, with some unknown memories slushing around my head . . . i arrived to find the nesting fat pigeon in my balcony to have disappeared and one foot away, a sickly baby pigeon attempting to move . . . i worried, i thought if i go outside and try to help, which i wouldn't know how, the mother pigeon would come and try to kill me . . . ive seen how protective she was when she was sitting on the egg waiting keenly for it to hatch . . then I went out of town for 4 days to a wedding . . this morning i found the baby in the same place, and not moving through the blinds.

my guilt and conscience are ravaged - my justification falls short moment by moment. this almost perfect being, conceived with hope and nurtured with a strong instinct . . . somehow fell short of the evolutionary expectation towards survival, and with no help from the likes of me . . . this nurtured and hopeful entity has lost its energy, and will soon dissolve into the next energy source.

this made me think of a relationship and how the shadow of death falls on relationships so often . . . lingering touches, heightened arguments, emotional defenses, lies and secrets, all perpetuate this shroud . . . all so easily and daily accessible . . and so difficult to avoid when living 50 years in an intensely layered liaison . . .

the nurtured egg, hatched to nothing, the mother, fled before the baby took its last breath . . . and this last breath, no one was around to witness . . . yet how does the remnant of its breath affect me so . . . who is the mother when relationships die . . . is it both parties, is it love . . . is it motivation or the willingness to 'stick it out' or 'work on it' . . . is it tolerance . . . what is it that is needed . . . maybe one element is not in control as is in the instinctual world of our last remaining dinosaurs . . . or are monogamous relationships tomorrows dinosaurs . . ?

sometimes giving relationships the care and nurture, the partially digested and then regurgitated worms, is not enough, and the mother has to flee to move on, continue life and follow her evolutionary path . . . darwin would not place blame on her, but the question remains, who should we place blame on . . . should we place blame on mistakes each party makes, on lack of motivation, on a world with too many options and few consequences, on the natural flow of energy in a couple turned family, on whole romantic and sometimes inexplicable idea of love . . .

only if darwin were here to help me . . .

not one of my most eloquent posts, albeit, necessary for my soul to heal . . .to the memory of this baby, to the memory of all relationships whose remnants are peppered throughout our actions, behaviors, thoughts, ideas, souls, and who often dictate our way of life from an invisible and omniscient place . . . to those elements in ourselves that act as a maternal force healing our wounds and allowing the bright feathers of a relationship to spread to flight . . to soar is to live . . to live is to soar . . and through this flight will we reach our ultimate relationship with our fathers, our mothers, our sisters, brothers, friends and lovers . . .

i will bury this babe and bury with it my past indiscretions, my future slights and my current doubts . . . a catharsis that will perhaps give me flight, give me hope and give me the splendor i so pursue

the horcrux

watching family guy in my apt - sunday night - oh so bitter sweet . . . the end of a nice weekend, however on the brink of the beginning of a possibly, hopeless mind numbing week . . .

there are some moments of clarity that hit you like lightening (there will be several harry potter references, i just finished the series this weekend and it's fresh fresh fresh on my mind) and i had many such moments this weekend . . however opposing . . the point is . . is it these moments of clarity that amass my decision making in my life . . or is it more of a collective sub-,un-, and regular- conscious that navigates decisions in my life . . mainly, the large ones I'd say it would benefit me to gain insight in how i make big decisions in my life . . . am i basing things on solitary epiphanies, or on a collection of events, thoughts, memories (however warped and biased they may be) to build my case one way or another . . .

my moments of clarity, as they pepper throughout my life and have at times decided upon great things . . and spontaneous things . . and perhaps life changing things . . . clarity hit me to change my graduate plans from med school to pharmacy to psychology . . . clarity hit me to date one person or the other . . clarity hit me to make amends or walk away . . . clarity hit me to progress my career in this way or that way . . .

driving down the easy highway of 77 then 59 . . . I drove for a few hours today listening to a collection of the first CD's I ever burned in my life . . . now I had originally thought I'd lost this collection years ago . . . and seeing as how I started burning CD's before it was illegal to specifically share and download music over the internet . . they are old and classic . . and burned at very intense, significant and specific times in my life . . . listening to them i imagined my life then . . my life now . . my eyes watered at times . . i laughed and sang loudly at times . . . i felt renewed at times . . i felt forlorn at times . . . i had a journey back to houston i could not have anticipated when i originally drove down to corpus . . . and in these emotional collections of the soundtracks of my grief, happiness, whimsy, and heartbreak . . I had several and bold moments of clarity . . .

and following these moments with kendall jackson, i have sat to ponder and gain insight into the whole idea of clarity . . . and how sometimes, when people around use choose to live in ignorance or at the shallow end of their pool of insight . . . how much harder we make our own lives . . . however i have tried to live in this shallow pool and found myself drowning faster than my years of floating in the infinitely deep end . . . how do we find our comfort levels in this pool of insight ? does it come from where we are brought up . . it could . . but there is a matter of motivation and self preservation here that we often leave out when we are looking in to someone's life . . . as i sat . . as i lay drowning in the shallow end growing up . . . the intensity of my emotions kept me afloat . . and also gave me the motivation and ability to move forward and thrust to the end of the pool which was more suited to my idea of living happy and living well . . .

and then there are times when, in a moment of clarity . . i renounce the whole idea of it and embrace the infamous, 'ignorance is bliss' ideology . . . how happy are those that swim in the shallow end and immerse themselves with little risk and irrational happiness . . . the idiocracy is something i know i could lose myself in had it not been my past in the deep end . . i think once you go deep, you can't retreat . . . maybe not for everyone . . but definitely for me . .

over the last 4 days i've let go parts of my past that i didn't even know i was holding on too . . . parts of my past that should have been dropped at the drop of a hat years ago . . a part of my past that was so close and dear that it had become a part of me and therefore i couldn't even see it to let it go . . and then after processing it with a dear friend . . after having some musical catharsis . . after having several moments of clarity on the way to corpus, in corpus . . and on the way back from corpus . . . i find myself still letting go right now . . and this chain that i hold in my hands . . it is finally pulling forth from the lake a tiny boat that will take me to a desolate island . . and after finding a locket on this island that i will destroy . . . only then i shall be free from this part of me that was left in me by someone . . and that i did not know existed . . a part that i felt inside of me . .but could not name . . this part that is me that will be cursed out of me . . .and this part of me that i feel evaporating fleetingly every moment i think about it . . .

i have just had a moment of clarity . . . that clarity is over-rated sometimes . . .

however i can say that these moments . . moments of clarity if i may so annoyingly repeat it . . as useless or as useful as they may be . . . can find new ways of healing me everyday

Rx:

Moments of Clarity

PRN

[physican signature here]

Here we go

so I thought I'd sit here and sort of come into a topic as I type . . i have not come prepared with a theme, however I have come prepared to express myself and see this blog entry through . .

I am attending the Tim McGraw concert this evening with a few friends . . . very much looking forward to it . .have been rocking barbeque stain as my ringer for past few weeks . .

let's talk about perception - now we are taught, often, as therapists that perception is often more important than reality *when evaluating a dysfunctional communication pattern from an objective point of view* I think the key to avoiding this pattern in my personal life is . . well . . maybe being absolutely honest about how I take something, and putting out on the table all of my ridiculous feelings, however illogical they may sounds . . . saying things outloud is a catharsis I will never equal . . . I have high expectations, I feel threatened, I feel secure . . I feel overshadowed . . I feel unconsidered . . . and having an open, accepting medium to receive these vulnerable feelings . . that is a bond that I will never find anything to equal . . .

if you and I have share an experience together, then later as I retell the experience to our friends, you find yourself puzzled as you remember the experience completely differently . . what might that say . . . of course we all have our own realities . . but where do we find the balance between blatant delusions and schemas that we consistently manipulate reality to try to conform, and from cold hard absolution provided by evidential fact . . .

I'm sure someone more ancient said this, but I recently heard Khloe Kardashian say this on her reality show, 'well there's three sides to every story . . mine, yours and the truth . . '

I think I absolutely agree . . and however deviant we fall, we must understand those around us and those that we love for their perception mostly, and for their reality a little bit . . . because otherwise we will shake them silly for their lies . . . and they us . .

it's easier for me to say 'us' and 'they' . . . far more difficult to be this person alone . . however i do witness this almost daily . . this whole perceptive vs. reality conflict . . . some are more attuned than others . . but I do urge those that are on an insightful path, such as myself, to pay attention to why you'd skew details in your favor, or in someone's favor, or in any one specific direction . . what ego need does it fulfil . . often times i need an ego stroke, for which i'm sure i've done the same . . . however i do my best to maintain awareness . . though that doesnt' always happen of course . . .

as always - urging insight is not as effective as self growth from within and the drop of defensive barriers . . .

if you are closed to me . . and i share a part of me with you . . it will fall lifeless, bouncing off the brick . . . and your wall will push me away by simply doing nothing . . . defensiveness is that which requires action . . . in order to sustain, maintain and evolve a healthy and meaningful relationship . . my opinion and my experience of it . . to either tear down the wall, fix a window, or simply acknowledge the wall and work together to meet around it . . . pummeling it might come with time . .

however two walled-entities may have a perfectly functioning dysfunctional relationship together . . i guess the conflict arises as with have and have-nots collide, as they so commonly do . . .

blog out.

ee cummings

so my boss recently posted a print out of this quote on her door,

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." by E.E. Cummings.

In passing she stated, 'it does take courage . . not to be who your parents want you to be . .' something that of course resonated with me . . and for that matter, not to become who my spouse wants me to be . . or my siblings . . or my friends . . and then a few days later it dawned on me . . even who i want myself to be . . could even that expectation deter my true self from forming . . .

Arts will dictate that being who you are is necessary to produce authentic and meaningful art . . at least the arts that i am interested in . .

Now this true self, being who you really are, may be something terrible, something negative and often times something dysfunctional . . because lets face it . . how many functional families are really out there . . especially those in our culture struggling with acculturation and the double lives we sometimes lead to appease conformity in america and traditionalism at home . . .

so in this respect, the true self . . while being able to produce intense prose, pastels, and poetry . . . may live unhappy and torn lives . . .

does it have to be that one must make a choice between being your true turmoiled self in order to survive in the arts, or can it be that growth of the self into who you'd like to be to live a happier and more stable life might still produce moving art pieces . . .

in that respect, in reference to cummings' quotation, does it really take courage to be who you really are, the depressed, perfectionist who finds comfort in arguing and revenge, or does it take even more courage to become who you want to be, the insightful, emotional realist who accepts her flaws and struggles everyday to be a better person . . .

don't i just feel like the lion in the wizard of oz.

denial and delusions

well - i've realized there are certain things i am in denial about and certain things i am not willing to not being in denial about . . and it's not about the fact that i can think about things logically and say things logically and truthfully, it's about my schemas . . it's about the general contexts that i've put the world into and that i've put people into . . now people, it's easier for me to see people in different lights, growth is a powerful thing and is a fountainhead in therapy . . but the world . . now that's a little more difficult . .

i will go back to my ever wonderful road rage blog and elaborate on that - that the delusion i really have is that people should get out of my way . . that they do not have the right to go speed limit in the left lane if i am coming thru, that they cannot under any circumstances cut me off, and that i always should have right of way . . . now these thoughts at times can be at varying intensities depending on my mood level and anxiety level . . but i really and truly believe them because why else would i get so uncontrollably angry when i get cut off ? it's the behavior and mood change that indicates to me that i must be believing those things, otherwise why wouldn't i just patiently brake and get home a whole 10 seconds later . . and logically i know that it's a ridiculous thing to say that i am more important than other drivers . . but hey the mind works in mysterious ways . . it must play into some schema of things that i have . . maybe that i'm a better driver, and i've always been ingrained that the better you are at something, the better person you and the more you shall be rewarded in life . . . so i'm a better driver, ipso facto, i deserve other drivers to bow down to my path . . .

as terrible a thing to admit something like this . . i really wonder why my other emotions come bubbling up when something seemingly neutral occurs . . .

vegas was awesome
somethings really havent changed - somethings have changed a good deal

and i do still and i think will always need non dramatic people to go out dancing with - because otherwise i will sour on the 'going out ' scene -

there was a time most recently where i wondered if i had lost my muse and if writing was simply a luxury for my darkest times . .

i've realized that it doesn't have to be so and there may be more creativity left in me . . even in the stable and normally regular times in life

stable and normally regular, bring with it connotations that include a similarity to other like comparable entities . . . unfortunately my arrogant self righteous uniqueness will at times forbid me from aligning myself with any definable entity . . therein lies the answer to my writing woes . . . therein i can rise like a phoenix (excuse the drama, i've been watching harry potter) and reclaim that which is my voice, stifled for the last long months . . .

when so many days go by and you've hardly had a chance to glance at a calender, it's time to sit and ponder what's passing you by and what's important in your life you may be missing . . it is time for me . . sometimes it is a constant battle . . sometimes the immediate importance of work or rest have to take a back seat when i look at my big picture and realize i will have remembered none of the work and all of the meaningful moments . . well hopefully all . . this is when i have to prioritize and hope for the best in the things i put lower on that list

i recently started rewatching six feet under . . . and it moves me like it did and it moves me like it didn't and it doesn't stir parts of me that it used to . . . there is such a matter of fact and direct lifeline to death in this series that i find it useful to connect and channel my past and current pain . . sometimes when i try to prepare myself for future pain, that doesn't channel quite as well . . but here and now, in sporadic moments i feel the gut wrench of future bad news and it just about doubles me over

more on this later, battery is dying, how anticlimactic