not sure what to title this

alright -

there are things that are tense for me right now - i realize i have perfectionism qualities - i realized this last year and did some to help myself, but not a lot . . now i realize i impose these qualities on others in my life more than I'd like to . . we all have high hopes for those in our lives . . . and sometimes i wonder if wanting the best for someone and having those hopes is in their best interest . . . i wonder if my imposed hopes on my loved ones cause them any grief . . . but how can you not have high hopes for those in your life, how can you not encourage and support the betterment of those in your life . . . imposing my goals on people - yes i know that is probably something i need to work on . . but imposing improvement . . to be moving towards something better in any small way ? that's just my idea of the world . . i'm a frickin therapist . . my profession is based on the worldview that people who want to improve themselves can make a positive change . . . and i need these people in my life . . . i am happy in my life the way it is, but i can always improve, i can always eat a little bit healthier, or exercise a little more, or be a little nicer or be a little happier . . . i can't say the grass is always greener for me . . not necessarily . . i think my grass is pretty f-ing green . . . but what kind of therapist would i be and for that matter, what kind of person would i be if i settled for content instead of striving for what i really want in the world . . . and this . . this is what i want for the rest of my life (easy for me to say right now at 27 with no kids and very little baggage) sure things might change over the years . . but i guess we gotta figure out how to grow together . . . fundamentally, growth makes me happy, and i don't think that will ever change . . if it does, that will probably be the day i stop writing, stop processing, stop contemplating, stop striving . . . in all actuality . . stop living . . living to me is certainly not being stagnant, that is similar to my idea of death, maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally . . . i'm not sure what would keep me going at that point . . .

sry for the dramatic words at 11:17 a.m. :)

i am very much hoping for a wonderful weekend with the girls !!

okay - back to it - gmail is officially blocked again at work :)

recently -

birthday - 27 - ugh
new orleans - great
move - awesome
life in general - can't complain :)

i recently had a staffing in which i said to someone, "it's grouping them together with similar goals that works against them in this case"

pondering this - i thought about couples and families - and if having similar goals is important in that group setting . . i guess i initially and immediately would say yes, wanting the same things would make things so much smoother in an already complicated world . . . there are times when i enjoy simplicity in matters, and times where i thrive in the complications of situations . . . so this makes me think that differences are of course more colorful for the family backdrop . . .
i guess the best of both worlds here would be awesome - god knows it doesn't always happen - having a foundation of similarity - health and moral views should be similar in my opinion for myself . . . safety also . . . everything else i guess can fluctuate . . . and it might be nice to try on a different hat for a while :) in the grand scheme of things, what does it really matter - but then again this is a long life sometimes . . . and every second, every minute can go by slowly if you're paying attention . . . we don't want each of those minutes to be miserable do we . . .

in other news, looking for some part time clinical work -

fantasy - not doing well - am hoping for improvement

nothing else for now - :)

acidity

So i was thinking the other day while driving home, that people are so proud of themselves (including me) for doing the right thing. it's not always the act as much as the pat on the back that some of us do it for. i'm not sure the exact numbers, but maybe i'd put it at 70/30.

that shot my mind to relationships and marriages, and when people cheat, they are always so proud of themselves when they come forward to tell the spouse. i have mixed feelings about all of this. it should say something about a person that they cheated and the fact that this happened is eating away at them like acid erodes teeth. yes i compared cheating to acid. we should be glad that this type of behavior is something that eats away at someone, it should show that the person as some ethics that they even feel so badly about it that they have to come forward. then we see often, in movies especially, and sometimes around us, that telling the spouse unburden's only the doer, not the spouse. so in this case, what does that say about someone who would make their spouse suffer through this.

in any case, im sure this drum has been beaten to death, but i guess there's always a new way of saying the same things that have been said for eons.

v8 is really good. dont worry, it's low sodium.

my teeth still hurt, god bless advil.

yay for two new babies in my life !

peace out

if a tree falls in desolate forest, will anyone read my blog?

so i was thinking about this today - yesterday i felt the need to drop, several times, that i blogged about something. of course in an effort to relay the importance of the topic we were discussing, that i enjoyed it enough to blog about it, and under that, a hidden attempt at tempting others to read it.

the old adage - if a tree falls in an isolated forest, no one is around in earshot, no one hears it, does it really make a sound.

dissecting this - if something occurs, without someone around to appreciate or acknowledge it, does it even really matter or exist ?

if no one is around to acknowledge that i exist, do i really exist? it's very philisophical if you ask me, but, then, no one asked me, so, again, do i really exist ?

the whole idea of awareness, it's something therapists love, it promotes insight, which well . . facilitates change in a therapuetic environment. though, awareness, does that affect the unacknowledged and unappreciated ? i can be aware of myself plenty, but until someone else comes along and acknowledges it, am i really worthwhile? self esteem seems to related to this as i'm typing and thinking. should i even care if someone else acknowledges and appreciates me ? shouldn't i be fine knowing I'm fine ? thats a big element in self esteem. but then, if i fall in a forest, does it really matter to anyone ? or the fact that it does matter to someone, that's the only reason the it matters at all.

a professor once told me, "people marry so they can have a witness to their life." i think that makes perfect sense.

vicky christina barcelona

what an interesting movie - it was woody allen - pleasant surprise - and i think it was well in-line with his style, even though he has to be like 100 and i expected his originality and creative juices to wear off by now . . .

lots of things came up for me in that movie - the fact that some loves exist but can never work because of missing elements. i definitely dug the idea that some people are always searching, some people want what they want, then they want the opposite of what they want, then the opposite just isnt what they thought they wanted. christina and vicky, i think sometimes these two ideas of life, these two forces of thinking can be a dichotemous metaphor of us and forces inside of us that constantly fight with each other. i think i've blogged about it before . . two sides, and each one feels that the grass is greener on the other side. one side is stable and moves towards maturity, the other is constantly looking for something, something huge, something moving, something new and fantasticly intense. these two may coexist for some people, i think that's the balance i'm looking for. i think one side winning over the other is too extreme for someone like me and then i'd become despondent vicky or dissatisfied christina. i think that the title embodies this idea because it's said in one simple breath, one sentence. vicky christina barcelona. and the city .. . don't get me started on the beautiful city and lifestyle of barcelona that this movie represented. maybe this is too idealistic, but damn me, it was something to be seen.

i immediately added it to my europe iten for next year. let's hope it goes through.

woody allen is a genius and everything he's touched with his imagination just moves me to no end.

hazaa.

time to blog again

okay so it's time to blog again i guess . . .

there are times when i think certain traditional institutions are obsolete and just as technology has outrun evolution, they have outrun social institutions as well. The difference here . . . we can change social institutions . . we can change them !!! wow. novel. i know.

i think that in a world of instant gratification and ridiculous technology . . . social pressures seem as outdated as clubbing my meal every afternoon and grunting responses to my peers. social pressures will encourage those that just aren't cut out for marriage to procede to ruin several lives and those that aren't cut out to have children the same. similarly there are other institutions that are supposedly "the next step" or "this is just what's done" that will make many people more miserable than happy. family units were necessary evolution-wise as survival was difficult independently. more people mean more help and more chances that seeds will live on and procreate. nowadays . . . well . . evolutionary instinct will take us to a place where logic, new world order and technological saavy might collide to disrupt happiness FOREVER.

me myself and i will not be able to change things about the world immediately. i can think about them and make sure i dont make any mistakes in my life. . . but i guess thats all i can do. i just look around and see so many collisions that it boggles my mind that more thought is not put into decisions that will effect a significant number of lives. who am i to judge what has occurred for eons. but who would i be if i didn't think for myself and stand up to blog against atrocities.

also - im hitting the pool today. who's in ?

boring

sitting here trying to blog and thinking about how to outline a new book a friend and i are trying to write . . i wont divulge too much of the concept - but it should be a witty string of stories regarding women and the woes that befall us in this 'sex and the city' generation. and what i mean by that is that is the wonderful anecdotes of dating and disasters :)

it's been done. yes. but not like this it hasn't. coming soon to stores near you !!

must get ready for dinner plans - soooooo tired shouldn't have gone to bed so late last night -

next weekend should prove a nice vaca from the 6-7 day weeks i've been working lately . .

my hair lady needs to return from vacation immediately to cut my hair. it's hot and my hair is long and blanket-y - boo.

this is not one one of my best blogs, i feel it as im typing. it's actually pretty boring. why are you still reading this.