sisters ...

Zen from singapore

my bros

my life partner

zen

so that last incomplete post was from october 4th, I was in heavy distress and acting belligerently at the time, if i remember correctly ...

today i feel better, maybe not all better, but better ..

i recently attended a grief and spirituality conference that very much moved me, it was for a ceu but i purposefully chose this topic as i have had the least training in this subject and would like to offer more to my clients in this capacity ...

however more than learning how to help others, i learned how to help myself

it is always said and almost always true that life gives you what you need ... not what you want, or what you think you need .. but what you actually need, and sometimes i believe this statement is some justification on the atrocities that happen around us, and because we as conscious beings need to define and justify terror, horror, pain, brutality, tragedy, pretty much every negative act, we develop a way to believe that everything is connected and bad things are meant to happen ... and this is where religion, i believe, comes from, is finding a way to define, explain, justify things we never fully understood ...

understanding is something i always find at the core of life .. the core of a healthy relationship, the core of healthy lifestyle, the core of being, the core of existing in an imperfect world surrounded by impermanence ..

some of these terms might be recognizable by their eastern philosphy, as i have tried to reconnect with spirituality in my life ..

two speakers at the conference moved me and calmed me, and helped me to identify with my negativity along with dispelling it ...

i've learned to turn inward, to allow silence in my life to  have honest conversations with myself about what is really going on .. and i think that the reality of it is that it has been easier in the last 3 years to fill my days, my self, my spirit with getting ahead, with those around me, with shallow satisfactions ... and i was quickly losing that part of myself that could just be ... that could sit and listen to the thoughts in my head and overcome them, listen to the conscious part of me that needed more than a rat race, that could spend days not speaking and simply being and feeling and emanating ..

i have come now to reclaim that part of me, that huge monstrous vital part of me that will feed my soul like no tv show, no vodka bottle, no kiss can compare ... because in the end we are our own beings connected to every other thing in this world, just because we have different names doesnt remove the connection, we are all part of the same tree, take the same breaths, and strive for the same peace, the only difference is whether or not we have the tools to reach this goal ...

now i turn inward, and i accept things without agenda (when/if i can)  and if i can't i work towards getting to a place where i can

i will have to make this an annual trip to feed my soul because i didnt even realize i was starving it until last week ..

and what a good time to replenish, when i am feeling a constant loss of control in my ever changing life, that to accept and experience a total loss of control in order to find peace and understanding ... there is that word again .. understanding ...

wow long time from earlier this month... unfinished and never posted

It has been an amazingly long time since the last post .. and so many moments have gone by where I've need to desperately post and spill out all of my thoughts and analytical energy .. however, no laptop nearby .. i hope I am able to do this any justice having been so long out

I guess at the moment I need to vent to about people presenting themselves differently from how they actually feel ... I've experienced quite a bit of this recently, I guess it's easier in my life and family who I've know for years to be able to distinguish the fakeness, the shadyness, and double talking .. two facedness really boils my blood .. i'm usually able to avoid people of this nature, and/or excise them from my life and interactions ... but it's new people that i meet that often don't see it coming .. lately i have been simply reacting (which as well know is a sign of emotional immaturity)  and maybe it has felt good at the time to dispel negative energy against them, but i realize now, in the end that it is eating away at me .. in order to accurately analyze this situation .. I need to blog it out ..

so very commonly known is that people generally make fun of others, call them out, be shady too them, talk shit about them, are mean to people etc, because they themselves are feeling shitty and want to spread the disease ... now back in the day i cant say i didnt have these tendancies, however i realized my unhappiness and pushed through it .. developed some self esteem .. got out of it alive .. started treating everyone better ... and i think in the last year i have regressed, i dont know why ... but i do know that not being surrounded by nice folks who care a great deal about me takes away from my ability to display emotional maturity ...

if people around here generally befriend others, only to spread shit about them that is a pretend friendship, no ?  so why in the world would people want that type of friendships ?  I really cannot fathom it ..

i am not even being eloquent today but i just need

the unbearable "light"ness of being

Just thinking about my favorite composer and his mysterious love life ... there is something so romantic about the fact that we will never know, nor has it ever been documented the gut wrenching love of Beethoven's life, there is also something devastating about it.  Love stories can be epic with the right elements, and even though historians may argue over the identity of his true immortal beloved, and cinema lovers may remember history in the fictional way it was represented in the movie, no one will ever truly know what really happened.  The tragedy in that is only really for the woman, who maybe in that time needed a veil of secrecy or modesty in order to survive in a patriarchal and oppressive time period . . .  however the love she pulled and required from Beethoven will never be hers historically, even though it was hers in their present.  But I guess I am selfish and I want to know the inner workings of their biblical romance in order to appease my own lush curiousity and stop my heart at every minute detail of such a love that he interrupted and then began composing some of the greatest masterpieces I have ever heard.  He is needless to say my favorite, and I am insanely in love with Moonlight Sonata . . . it is my immortal beloved of classical pieces, I prefer it in piano, but I'll take it in acoustic classical guitar also :)  ...

Here is an excerpt from an online article regarding my man -
"It is not clear whether the new revelations will lead to a better understanding of the relationship. There is no proof Beethoven was sexually involved with his Beloved–or anyone else for that matter. Yet she was the object of his deep desire to be married. Without her, Beethoven gave up hope for such a life. When he died of liver failure in 1827, the only trace of the Immortal Beloved was the three-part love letter he left behind, signed "Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours."

those three parts, those 6 words at the end sort of make my heart leap out of my chest.  really they do.  and reading something like that while listening to the my moonlight sonata would about give me an arrythmia or something . . .

does love like that exist today in a world of instant gratification, too many options, too little loyalty and not enough human connection ?  a love in which you completely consume the person you are in love with, that your work, your life, your family becomes a distant faded gray in the background of your life and all you can see or hear or smell or taste is that love, and I'm not talking about infatuation here fellas, I'm talking about real, deep, loving emotion that borderlines on insanity because that is the alternative to not being near that person or being with someone else . . . infatuation is brief, it is shallow, it is passionate, however passes quickly.  this old school love is something that those who have historically lept out through the books at us, have made it clear is eternal, immortal and can disrupt everyone's (maybe just mine) life even 4 hundred years after their death . . . that love that consumes all of us today is mostly for ourselves, our careers, and if we are lucky our children . . . I'd say the most expendable thing we have is our partners . .  I'd observe that most people would think harder about giving up their job and changing careers than getting a divorce . .  it's so easy to say, well if it doesnt work out we'll just go our separate ways, it's convenient, it's logical, it's pragmatic.  what it isn't however, is an all-consuming, immortal fire that takes away our breath, our life.  because that fire would have prevented any separation and have mended any rift.  that fire is so hidden today, it might have disappeared except in the cinema, in literature and in history . . . and if it is gone, I am now calling upon prometheus ... he is the only one to help us ...

we will be waiting, our souls cold and hungry - starved and shivering for that consumption - to ignite something so precious and infinite that 4 hundred years from now, we will leap out of the books at our ancestors and show them that we too have found the light and we pass it on to you . . .