zen

so that last incomplete post was from october 4th, I was in heavy distress and acting belligerently at the time, if i remember correctly ...

today i feel better, maybe not all better, but better ..

i recently attended a grief and spirituality conference that very much moved me, it was for a ceu but i purposefully chose this topic as i have had the least training in this subject and would like to offer more to my clients in this capacity ...

however more than learning how to help others, i learned how to help myself

it is always said and almost always true that life gives you what you need ... not what you want, or what you think you need .. but what you actually need, and sometimes i believe this statement is some justification on the atrocities that happen around us, and because we as conscious beings need to define and justify terror, horror, pain, brutality, tragedy, pretty much every negative act, we develop a way to believe that everything is connected and bad things are meant to happen ... and this is where religion, i believe, comes from, is finding a way to define, explain, justify things we never fully understood ...

understanding is something i always find at the core of life .. the core of a healthy relationship, the core of healthy lifestyle, the core of being, the core of existing in an imperfect world surrounded by impermanence ..

some of these terms might be recognizable by their eastern philosphy, as i have tried to reconnect with spirituality in my life ..

two speakers at the conference moved me and calmed me, and helped me to identify with my negativity along with dispelling it ...

i've learned to turn inward, to allow silence in my life to  have honest conversations with myself about what is really going on .. and i think that the reality of it is that it has been easier in the last 3 years to fill my days, my self, my spirit with getting ahead, with those around me, with shallow satisfactions ... and i was quickly losing that part of myself that could just be ... that could sit and listen to the thoughts in my head and overcome them, listen to the conscious part of me that needed more than a rat race, that could spend days not speaking and simply being and feeling and emanating ..

i have come now to reclaim that part of me, that huge monstrous vital part of me that will feed my soul like no tv show, no vodka bottle, no kiss can compare ... because in the end we are our own beings connected to every other thing in this world, just because we have different names doesnt remove the connection, we are all part of the same tree, take the same breaths, and strive for the same peace, the only difference is whether or not we have the tools to reach this goal ...

now i turn inward, and i accept things without agenda (when/if i can)  and if i can't i work towards getting to a place where i can

i will have to make this an annual trip to feed my soul because i didnt even realize i was starving it until last week ..

and what a good time to replenish, when i am feeling a constant loss of control in my ever changing life, that to accept and experience a total loss of control in order to find peace and understanding ... there is that word again .. understanding ...

wow long time from earlier this month... unfinished and never posted

It has been an amazingly long time since the last post .. and so many moments have gone by where I've need to desperately post and spill out all of my thoughts and analytical energy .. however, no laptop nearby .. i hope I am able to do this any justice having been so long out

I guess at the moment I need to vent to about people presenting themselves differently from how they actually feel ... I've experienced quite a bit of this recently, I guess it's easier in my life and family who I've know for years to be able to distinguish the fakeness, the shadyness, and double talking .. two facedness really boils my blood .. i'm usually able to avoid people of this nature, and/or excise them from my life and interactions ... but it's new people that i meet that often don't see it coming .. lately i have been simply reacting (which as well know is a sign of emotional immaturity)  and maybe it has felt good at the time to dispel negative energy against them, but i realize now, in the end that it is eating away at me .. in order to accurately analyze this situation .. I need to blog it out ..

so very commonly known is that people generally make fun of others, call them out, be shady too them, talk shit about them, are mean to people etc, because they themselves are feeling shitty and want to spread the disease ... now back in the day i cant say i didnt have these tendancies, however i realized my unhappiness and pushed through it .. developed some self esteem .. got out of it alive .. started treating everyone better ... and i think in the last year i have regressed, i dont know why ... but i do know that not being surrounded by nice folks who care a great deal about me takes away from my ability to display emotional maturity ...

if people around here generally befriend others, only to spread shit about them that is a pretend friendship, no ?  so why in the world would people want that type of friendships ?  I really cannot fathom it ..

i am not even being eloquent today but i just need

the unbearable "light"ness of being

Just thinking about my favorite composer and his mysterious love life ... there is something so romantic about the fact that we will never know, nor has it ever been documented the gut wrenching love of Beethoven's life, there is also something devastating about it.  Love stories can be epic with the right elements, and even though historians may argue over the identity of his true immortal beloved, and cinema lovers may remember history in the fictional way it was represented in the movie, no one will ever truly know what really happened.  The tragedy in that is only really for the woman, who maybe in that time needed a veil of secrecy or modesty in order to survive in a patriarchal and oppressive time period . . .  however the love she pulled and required from Beethoven will never be hers historically, even though it was hers in their present.  But I guess I am selfish and I want to know the inner workings of their biblical romance in order to appease my own lush curiousity and stop my heart at every minute detail of such a love that he interrupted and then began composing some of the greatest masterpieces I have ever heard.  He is needless to say my favorite, and I am insanely in love with Moonlight Sonata . . . it is my immortal beloved of classical pieces, I prefer it in piano, but I'll take it in acoustic classical guitar also :)  ...

Here is an excerpt from an online article regarding my man -
"It is not clear whether the new revelations will lead to a better understanding of the relationship. There is no proof Beethoven was sexually involved with his Beloved–or anyone else for that matter. Yet she was the object of his deep desire to be married. Without her, Beethoven gave up hope for such a life. When he died of liver failure in 1827, the only trace of the Immortal Beloved was the three-part love letter he left behind, signed "Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours."

those three parts, those 6 words at the end sort of make my heart leap out of my chest.  really they do.  and reading something like that while listening to the my moonlight sonata would about give me an arrythmia or something . . .

does love like that exist today in a world of instant gratification, too many options, too little loyalty and not enough human connection ?  a love in which you completely consume the person you are in love with, that your work, your life, your family becomes a distant faded gray in the background of your life and all you can see or hear or smell or taste is that love, and I'm not talking about infatuation here fellas, I'm talking about real, deep, loving emotion that borderlines on insanity because that is the alternative to not being near that person or being with someone else . . . infatuation is brief, it is shallow, it is passionate, however passes quickly.  this old school love is something that those who have historically lept out through the books at us, have made it clear is eternal, immortal and can disrupt everyone's (maybe just mine) life even 4 hundred years after their death . . . that love that consumes all of us today is mostly for ourselves, our careers, and if we are lucky our children . . . I'd say the most expendable thing we have is our partners . .  I'd observe that most people would think harder about giving up their job and changing careers than getting a divorce . .  it's so easy to say, well if it doesnt work out we'll just go our separate ways, it's convenient, it's logical, it's pragmatic.  what it isn't however, is an all-consuming, immortal fire that takes away our breath, our life.  because that fire would have prevented any separation and have mended any rift.  that fire is so hidden today, it might have disappeared except in the cinema, in literature and in history . . . and if it is gone, I am now calling upon prometheus ... he is the only one to help us ...

we will be waiting, our souls cold and hungry - starved and shivering for that consumption - to ignite something so precious and infinite that 4 hundred years from now, we will leap out of the books at our ancestors and show them that we too have found the light and we pass it on to you . . .

been a long time since the last blog, and now I'm sitting in my hot apartment with a hot laptop on my lap borderline sweating.

I've been thinking about how desperate we are to be a certain thing or present ourselves a certain way that we literally spend every waking moment trying to convince ourselves of this ...

Ive always been a pretty observant person, I like to think I'm attentive and able to acknowledge situations subjective and identify most of the time any biased tendencies which I generally have . .  however when i observe atrocious ridiculousness, I wonder how I ended up in the position I'm in . . . I had never anticipated being in certain situations, has profusely promised myself that I would be this and that, and 'those things' wouldn't ever be something I have to deal with . . . things change, we make choices, and we eventually have to overcome the cons of any situation. . .   resilience is an amazing thing, forgiveness is an amazing thing . . forgiveness is more for the person who forgives, than for the wrong doer . . . I find myself holding grudges sometimes, or carrying things over that maybe need to be let go . . .the moment i let it go, I feel better . . .but from the looks of it, the wrong doer, in all sincerity doesn't let it go as quickly as the forgiver might . . . which can say alot . . unless that behavior is just never changed you constantly have to be forgiving . . . then again, arent all close relationships like that . . ? aren't i constantly forgiving my parents for not understanding me, or my friends for breaking some imaginary expectation I may have had, aren't i constantly checking myself that if i become put off by an unspoken  expectation that's not been met, it's generally something I should let go . . .

will life constantly be a battle of letting things go, forgiving, being forgiven, offering passivity and peace over begrudged barriers ?

will life constantly be me as bystander while ridiculous things happen and people act crazy ... will it be me having to fight for myself because the only people who will stand up for me are a handful of good friends . . .

it makes me wonder how people trudge through, tottering on two broken feet and constantly belittled and made to feel not good enough to stand up for by the people closest too them . . . what a way to walk through life . . . i'd always imagined myself running, and strolling and jumping and literally skipping through life, in the most absurd, disney movie kind of way . . .

and i think life is less like that, and more like tarantino, every man for himself, and you basically have to make your path, but those around you affect your journey more than you'd like to believe . . .

i think it's time i stepped out of the delusion and joined the rest of the realists out there who have always been trying to convince me out of my naivete

that being said, i wonder to what proportion happiness fits in with the path of life . .. if that is something we all naturally strive for, why is it that so many people are unhappy with their careers, with their spouses, with their family, with their appearance ... with their life in general . . . if our natural tendency is towards self fulfillment we wouldnt be miserable for the most part right ?  i'm thinking the natural tendency is towards gratification by any means necessary and overall evolutionary selfishness and what behaviors transpire from these tendencies often lead to those around us being hurt, expectations not being met and therefore causing discomfort and unhappiness in our lives -

the songs and poems are right, god is one ironic son of a gun . . .

athlete

the news of my life (okay yes I'm being dramatic)  I finally met athlete, and I would go as far to say that we hung out for like 2 minutes after the show - and I am pretty obsessed with this band, and have LOVED them for 5 years, some of their appeal is that they are lesser known, and most of their appeal is their unbelievable music

I took pictures with all the members and got them to sign my t shirt - I was on cloud nine on saturday night ! 

parul's barbeque was, as always, fun fun fun, and it was wonderful seeing everyone, I wish I had more time there, but my bucket list was calling my name and athlete has been on their for 5 years . .  in the last 5 years, I don't think they've toured in texas (within driving distance of me) and they don't often come to america, so i had to jump at the opportunity (especially in case they become famous and mainstream and then they won't be as cool as they are now) 

it's a wonder how seeing someone on stage can form these assumptions in your head about someone, not unlike a relationship, when just because you are with someone, you sort of begin making these assumptions about their behavior, about their past, about their future, and with little to no confirmation, that is usually a recipe for a disaster, and the very least, a pretty solid argument

many things don't work out the way we'd like in life, and I always try to tell myself, that when things don't work out the way I wanted, it's okay because they usually work out for the best anyway, (anyone that's heard 'unanswered prayers' knows what I'm talking about)

many days things don't work out, and then the sparkling gems in between are days when everything works out and you feel positive about things

it never ceases to amaze me the intertwined days of gloom, misery, glee and glory, and only after flipping through my blogs, and journals, and diaries do I realize the bipolar tendencies of the artist's soul . .  and these highs and lows generate the most beautiful things I've ever laid eyes and ears on, the portraits of kahlo, the murals of rivera, the sonatas of beethoven, the jams of athlete. . .  natural extremes, storms, earthquakes, erosion, floods, hurricanes, make natural masterpeices, mountains, and lakes, and waterfalls and cliffs, and shores, and I really believe artists can see a masterpeice in tragedy and that's why . . that's why they can make so much beauty out of their pain, that's why they can use depression and anger to create purity in art, shakespeare was very much one to point out the tragedies in life as authentic, necessary and artistic, and I do concur . . . and as common a thought it may be to the masses, it is helpful for me to think about it often that the sad moments, the tragic moments define the moments of ecstasy in life, because if all was ecstasy, ecstasy would be normalcy and we, as the capitalistic, gluttons that we are would soon bore of the ecstasy if it was that normal

cheers to the highs that define us, the lows that define that highs, and the highs and lows that define all beauty around us

aasha rani

Just joined the Shobhaa De blog after reading her book 'bollywood nights' and googling the crap out of her.  I'd first seen her on this indian show, 'koffee with karan' a talk show hosted by a wildly popular, probably gay, bollywood producer, and enjoying her theekhi theekhi baatein and sharp, assertive responses to his insinuating questions.  I can't say I liked her, but I can say she intrigued me. 

She is 62 years old and married with 6 children.  This fascinates me even more.  And a big fat cherry on top, she is the founder and has edited Startdust magazine which was pretty pervasive throughout my childhood as my aunt had the only english subscription to it in corpus that I could find. 

Shobhaa De's blog proves to be more worthwhile than her book was, but it was wildly distracting (the book) and sultry, which I always enjoy.  Anyone looking for a quick read and a graphic peak into the bollywood world, please read 'bollywood nights' I have it, you can borrow it.

Anyway the analysis she thrusts from her blogs has inspired me to be more active (at least today) in expressing renewed motivation to continue the blog d'tanvi (vague reference to cote d'ivoire)

Also she has inspired me to sprinkle the 'hinglish' which she herself has been given credit for as a part of Stardust and Neeta's column, throughout my blogs.

So here's to renewed inspiration and renewed inspiration in these rainy houston nights

sitting in a storm, with a buzz wearing off, pondering arrivals and departures . . .

I think the more I try to control something, the further away it gets, and sometimes, by chance, by no doing of my own, my trying to control something turns in my favor, and I take that and run with it and assume all controlling behaviors will end this way.  this is not so.  and after this emotionally lengthy trip to the lowest point in africa I have come across methods of avoiding my lowest points here.

Here I stand at a cusp, between two oceans, the past and the future, with Good Hope, trying to let go of controlling, trying to let go of expectations in life, and trying to live for what I am truly meant for, which I always find the most comfort in, which I always find in travels and amongst closest family and the most distant strangers. which is what my meaning is, which is what the meaning of life is to me.  as this dawns on me amongst friends, i do realize that it often is not similar to those i surround myself with, even those I most closely surround myself with.  I am not sure what that means and it surely needs to be pondered.  I think I will seek out the freedoms, the openness, the adventure, the fresh air and the spontaneity of life as long as i live and as long as i am able to travel.  the moment i get stuck (as i did for the last two years) in a rut in a hell hole, I will become who I was before I embarked on this trip.

and maybe as time seeps its grout into my thoughts and molds the perspective I should have from the one I am meant to have, I will again become this person who I do not identify with and do not mean to become, but circumstances are making me so.

here is to letting me make my own circumstances.  and not the other way around.

i find my version of divinity on travels, and i find nature, and goodness, and true human nature, unrocked by the brutalities of humanity and the expectations and government.  i find truth.  I find myself.  I find hope.

I find a reason to be.  I find who I am.  I find a reason to strive and motivation.  to do anything.  to do everything.

if those close to me cannot understand me and do not, i will be okay.  as long as I have with me in my heart who I am and what I need from life, I will reach the heights I intend to and roll down the zenith with laughter in my soul.

i am not responsible for others, i do not control anyone and I float free from concrete reigns amongst abstract, natural beauty.