denial and delusions

well - i've realized there are certain things i am in denial about and certain things i am not willing to not being in denial about . . and it's not about the fact that i can think about things logically and say things logically and truthfully, it's about my schemas . . it's about the general contexts that i've put the world into and that i've put people into . . now people, it's easier for me to see people in different lights, growth is a powerful thing and is a fountainhead in therapy . . but the world . . now that's a little more difficult . .

i will go back to my ever wonderful road rage blog and elaborate on that - that the delusion i really have is that people should get out of my way . . that they do not have the right to go speed limit in the left lane if i am coming thru, that they cannot under any circumstances cut me off, and that i always should have right of way . . . now these thoughts at times can be at varying intensities depending on my mood level and anxiety level . . but i really and truly believe them because why else would i get so uncontrollably angry when i get cut off ? it's the behavior and mood change that indicates to me that i must be believing those things, otherwise why wouldn't i just patiently brake and get home a whole 10 seconds later . . and logically i know that it's a ridiculous thing to say that i am more important than other drivers . . but hey the mind works in mysterious ways . . it must play into some schema of things that i have . . maybe that i'm a better driver, and i've always been ingrained that the better you are at something, the better person you and the more you shall be rewarded in life . . . so i'm a better driver, ipso facto, i deserve other drivers to bow down to my path . . .

as terrible a thing to admit something like this . . i really wonder why my other emotions come bubbling up when something seemingly neutral occurs . . .

vegas was awesome
somethings really havent changed - somethings have changed a good deal

and i do still and i think will always need non dramatic people to go out dancing with - because otherwise i will sour on the 'going out ' scene -

there was a time most recently where i wondered if i had lost my muse and if writing was simply a luxury for my darkest times . .

i've realized that it doesn't have to be so and there may be more creativity left in me . . even in the stable and normally regular times in life

stable and normally regular, bring with it connotations that include a similarity to other like comparable entities . . . unfortunately my arrogant self righteous uniqueness will at times forbid me from aligning myself with any definable entity . . therein lies the answer to my writing woes . . . therein i can rise like a phoenix (excuse the drama, i've been watching harry potter) and reclaim that which is my voice, stifled for the last long months . . .

when so many days go by and you've hardly had a chance to glance at a calender, it's time to sit and ponder what's passing you by and what's important in your life you may be missing . . it is time for me . . sometimes it is a constant battle . . sometimes the immediate importance of work or rest have to take a back seat when i look at my big picture and realize i will have remembered none of the work and all of the meaningful moments . . well hopefully all . . this is when i have to prioritize and hope for the best in the things i put lower on that list

i recently started rewatching six feet under . . . and it moves me like it did and it moves me like it didn't and it doesn't stir parts of me that it used to . . . there is such a matter of fact and direct lifeline to death in this series that i find it useful to connect and channel my past and current pain . . sometimes when i try to prepare myself for future pain, that doesn't channel quite as well . . but here and now, in sporadic moments i feel the gut wrench of future bad news and it just about doubles me over

more on this later, battery is dying, how anticlimactic

what do you do when you feel sad for someone else, for someone else close to someone else, and sad, so selfishly, for yourself . . .

the older i get, the more jaded i become, but also the more emotion i can express. i think i feel less emotion than as a child or a teenager or even in college, i couldn't tell you why . . maybe because i internalize things less, i'm more secure so less things affect me, etc etc etc . . . but i express more today than i ever did . . and right now when i feel sad and helpless, it's sometimes from a jaded place, and sometimes from a tragic and tearful place . . .

many times we must let go and cope, dying is inevitable, certain and tragic. death is too. but what i'm talking about is dying. when it's coming, when it's there in the air, when it's nearing, but not quite graspable, when you have to cope with the grief before it has occurred in a prophetic facade . . . that is how dying is different from death for me.

so i went to a u2 concert and realized i havent written in so long that i didnt cross it off of my bucket list -

im supposed to be doing my paperwork for work - however, i am reading my own blogs, and now am writing a post -

some of the intense feelings i was having in the last two blogs have dissipated, and i'm finding comfort in places i couldn't have predicted . .

i wish badly that i could move back to austin . . i'm not sure sometimes what exactly i'm looking for in austin that i can't somehow fanagle (sp) here . . . sometimes i feel it's comfort of the habitual . . 7 years of adult live in a wonderously liberal place to enjoy self growth and grow into my skin . . it's unmatched, and will be for years . . .

as i try to accustom myself to living in a heartless pressure cooker of houston, i have to focus on the positive sometimes, as i tell clients all the damn day . . .

more on this later

also more on finding a feeling of home in more places than one . . the definition of home and how feelings of home can be evoked via behaviors and memories - or is it possible to use environmental stimuli ?

interesting article i came across from medscape, "Alcohol cuts risk for heart disease by one third" by Fran Lowry, Charles P. Vega MD

check it out - or email me for the link

update - nothing huge

here i sit, finally with internet and computer at home - watching melrose place and on facebook - when i finally had to be an adult and close the windows . . .

i think my absurd fascination with cw dramas has finally overcome my lust for actual dramatic shows . . .

life has been bumping along - la was amazing - the weather pulls me in more and more, and how i may hate, or have hated the hustle bustle pretense-filled lifestyle . . . i do love at least two people there - and the weather and the fact that it is far far away from a job here that sometimes sucks my soul . . . i think it opened my eyes to a new la

i am excited to jump back into my work out with a generously inspiring personal trainer, found by another generously inspiring soul . . .

i am off back to watching big bang theory

hopefully the next entry will be a less waste of a read

i have decided to resume my short stories -

stay tuned for process in my blogs about outlines - as long as copy right laws apply - my of course dreamy goal is to be published and accomplished - i know - a long shot - but here's hoping

not sure what to title this

alright -

there are things that are tense for me right now - i realize i have perfectionism qualities - i realized this last year and did some to help myself, but not a lot . . now i realize i impose these qualities on others in my life more than I'd like to . . we all have high hopes for those in our lives . . . and sometimes i wonder if wanting the best for someone and having those hopes is in their best interest . . . i wonder if my imposed hopes on my loved ones cause them any grief . . . but how can you not have high hopes for those in your life, how can you not encourage and support the betterment of those in your life . . . imposing my goals on people - yes i know that is probably something i need to work on . . but imposing improvement . . to be moving towards something better in any small way ? that's just my idea of the world . . i'm a frickin therapist . . my profession is based on the worldview that people who want to improve themselves can make a positive change . . . and i need these people in my life . . . i am happy in my life the way it is, but i can always improve, i can always eat a little bit healthier, or exercise a little more, or be a little nicer or be a little happier . . . i can't say the grass is always greener for me . . not necessarily . . i think my grass is pretty f-ing green . . . but what kind of therapist would i be and for that matter, what kind of person would i be if i settled for content instead of striving for what i really want in the world . . . and this . . this is what i want for the rest of my life (easy for me to say right now at 27 with no kids and very little baggage) sure things might change over the years . . but i guess we gotta figure out how to grow together . . . fundamentally, growth makes me happy, and i don't think that will ever change . . if it does, that will probably be the day i stop writing, stop processing, stop contemplating, stop striving . . . in all actuality . . stop living . . living to me is certainly not being stagnant, that is similar to my idea of death, maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally . . . i'm not sure what would keep me going at that point . . .

sry for the dramatic words at 11:17 a.m. :)

i am very much hoping for a wonderful weekend with the girls !!

okay - back to it - gmail is officially blocked again at work :)

recently -

birthday - 27 - ugh
new orleans - great
move - awesome
life in general - can't complain :)

i recently had a staffing in which i said to someone, "it's grouping them together with similar goals that works against them in this case"

pondering this - i thought about couples and families - and if having similar goals is important in that group setting . . i guess i initially and immediately would say yes, wanting the same things would make things so much smoother in an already complicated world . . . there are times when i enjoy simplicity in matters, and times where i thrive in the complications of situations . . . so this makes me think that differences are of course more colorful for the family backdrop . . .
i guess the best of both worlds here would be awesome - god knows it doesn't always happen - having a foundation of similarity - health and moral views should be similar in my opinion for myself . . . safety also . . . everything else i guess can fluctuate . . . and it might be nice to try on a different hat for a while :) in the grand scheme of things, what does it really matter - but then again this is a long life sometimes . . . and every second, every minute can go by slowly if you're paying attention . . . we don't want each of those minutes to be miserable do we . . .

in other news, looking for some part time clinical work -

fantasy - not doing well - am hoping for improvement

nothing else for now - :)